The Big Green Grass

I'm not going back to that fairytale life, I'm not going to live a lie. It's like a dream, so obviously unreal. It can make life so full of sorrow, when you come crashing back down. We cannot live our lives that way. Anger, frustration, paranoia - especially. They're illegal for a reason.
I've had a reminder of why I ran away from the story book, I don't want to go back. It changes me, I've already changed from who I used to be and that's okay. Forgiven, but not forgotten. They're all well aware you could fall back down the wishing well, they all know if you do you'll end up in hell. I'm one of them. Now, it's about moving on, never forgetting the help you have got.
I was walking through the big green grass, forgetting to observe or observing too much. I was in my own little world but it was like being trapped in a snowglobe. Then someone found my diary, and they reached out deep in to the pages and the poetry and found the real me. He picked up my snowglobe and smashed it in to pieces, they helped him. Water was gushing everywhere, snow flakes all over the floor and me, laying, broken bones. I thought he was going to leave me there, but he picked me up, dusted me down and threw me to the clowns.
It was scary, and I've never had a fear of clowns until that time. I'd escaped from my magic world, could roam the world on my own again. It wasn't that easy for me, fear was everywhere. Then I began to see, the clowns weren't out to get me, they were here to help look out for my safety. They cocooned me, I was like a baby tamarind ball. About to ripen. I'd escaped my cage, I was free.
Oh no, it wasn't to be. They built a new globe for me, this one was full of waterslides and rapids, I began to quite like it. They even threw me some company in, it was a safe haven, hopeless, yet hopeful, somehow. There's always a way to get out. Besides, in my new globe, there were still clowns around. They decided to eventually knock the walls down.
I get scared when there are no walls around, nothing there to protect me from even me. But I did it, I ran free. Then I roamed too far, and I ended up back in the pages with the big green grass and the pretty coloured waterfalls, and I had to come crashing back.
I landed with a bang, had a headache then. I learnt that I don't need to hide from reality, because it's not so bad. I just have to think of all the help I've had and give something back.

-4th December 2011

Nasty Girl.

I let the hot water drown my skin, rub in the soap, wash out his touch. Dirt cheap, nasty girl. I cocoon myself, in my bath towel, stand there, dripping, shivering, in the steam. Regrets aren't me, but last night just might be an exception. I can't pretend any more. I can't pretend that doing those things is okay. Paranoia, confusion, babble. I do it enough, anyway. I didn't need to touch that junk. Why I went back on my word, I'm not sure. I know what it does, I've been what it did. And I don't want to be the girl who wakes up dreading remembering, wondering what's waiting on the other side of the duvet. I really don't want to be this girl any more.

-4th December 2011

Melt My Ice Cream.

I'm cutting out the word 'love' from my vocabulary, advice I decided was good, because I love too much. I let it take over me. Like a drug. An illegal, class A one. Danger, danger. There are red and blue flashing lights, sirens, the burglar alarm is going off. Constantly. They've all burgled me. They took pieces of me, my heart, memories. I can't get all of the pieces back, so I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if I could ever be enough for you. Future, I'm not sure I have time for you. Past and present is currently all I can do. Worry, it's what I do. Day, in, day, out. I've been fucked around, but I've done some fucking around too. I use men as my shoulders, my pillows. I'm too old to have a pacifier so instead I like to have human heat, skin on skin, cuddles, and kisses and such. But love means so much to me, and I think I'm already in it. Today everything is blissful, I'm happy with the place I'm in. Watch out for tomorrow, the sunshine may have melted my ice cream by then.

-3rd December 2011

Playing With Fire

I'm a mess inside,
My head's a traffic jam of men,
I don't want you to be one of the cars,
Not unless you're going to be my beetle,
But I love beetles,
And I'm trying to cut out love from my life.
I don't have time for love
Because it takes over me.
But they've already taken over,
I like you.
And I want that to be enough,
I'm too guarded,
I'll cut you off,
You'll have to try really hard,
And I don't want to make it too hard,
But it could be,
If you start playing with fire,
If you start playing with me,
Things could get messy.

-3rd December 2011

My Shining Light

Thinking of you is killing me, I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. Still, you never let me go, you never let me leave you completely. I don't know what you did intentionally, I know you liked it when I wrote you lovely poetry and I'd never stop writing lines for you, you'd just need to stop doing lines, for me. I think you've already realised that, though. It was never even that big a kick, for you. You always knew. And I don't need that security, not now, however I would like to know that there'd be no others, I'm not sure if I'd be asking too much, but I'd be yours and mine only. As long as I knew I had you, and you knew you had me, everything could just be, happy.
Never entirely, we're miles apart, but we're on the same level. I do miss you, you were like an angel sent from heaven. You'd never have let me drown in my own mess, and some people would have just let my blood and tears kill me slowly, you didn't. You stayed there. I still care, I just want you to know that.
You were so good for me, if I'd have just stepped back and looked what I had, maybe I could've appreciated it all for what it was. You're a star, literally, my shining light.
I've cut out the word love now, from everything. I don't need that word so much right now. It's for family and friends, only. They're not words that come lightly. I don't need you any more, but I want you. I want you to want me too, and I don't know how to find out, I can't be as blunt as I used to be, I've grown up so much since I first met you. I'm so much stronger, yet still some times weak. I'll never be perfect, and neither will you. Nobody is, but I'd like to try my best from now on.
And if I could get another chance with you, I wouldn't fuck it up. I'm not her, anymore. I'm just the slightly nervous but very open girl, the one you met that night when I'd had a few to drink. I'm the slightly insecure but not so shy at all girl, the one you first knew. I'm back and I'd like whatever it was we had back, and as much as I'm okay with not needing as much security any more, only I can be yours, I don't like sharing people that way. And I'd be all for you, me and my close family and friends. I promise you, I've run away from that life now.

-5th December 2011

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

There's no excuse but sometimes there is a reason. You've got to learn the differences, and there's a big difference in those two words. People get pissed off when they cannot trust the people in control, that's why other countries have protests, but if the people of England try to protest against what our government is doing, we get beaten down by the police. We have no freedom here. Part of me wants to move away, to a far away place, but this is my home. I shouldn't have to leave to lead a happy free life. There are traffic lights and roundabouts here and some times we just have to get past them. Red, Amber, Green. They're all very important, and I'm on Amber but I've been on Red, danger, danger. I've been on Green, danger, danger. Amber's all we're allowed to be, inbetween. I hate being inbetween, I'd rather be on Green. Go, go get it, whatever it is you want. I don't want any of that shit any more, of that I'm now one hundred percent sure, but there are things I do want, and that's for the help I've got to carry on being given, for charities I care about to be able to stay up and running. Things that have helped me to be able to help others in the future, but as Brian Molko sings "The world is full of clowns with trigger happy hands" and this country is full of clowns with trigger happy hands, and they're ruling this country and ruining it. They're taking away all of our rights, slowly but surely. Some people just won't stand for it. This country has gotten used to sitting back and dealing with all the shit, but the young ones are realising we need to follow in other countries footsteps, ASLTW, it's so true. They'll never listen to you. Or will they? Try again, but this time fight calmly. Don't light fires, don't ruin small businesses, don't burn down houses just fucking fight the bastardly pigs. Leave the good ones alone, you don't know who's bent and who is straight, so if you can't judge the books by the covers, leave them be. You cannot tar a group of people with the same brush, that's why I disagreed with the riots at the time, because I judged them all on the basis of what was on the news, but I now understand because I've seen both sides, I now understand some of them were just trying to get by, and trying to show the leaders of this fucked up country that they need to let us survive. But they didn't see it, did they? Because how many pigs have they arrested? I guess we'll never know, because everyone protects their own.

-5th December 2011

Living Alone With Me

All I want is for someone to be there for me to fall back on, but thus far, nobody has been able to manage coping with me. Often it’s like nobody I know can understand me, mom just doesn't get it. I can see she's trying but it's all hurting her, I'm a hindrance to her. There've been men that have tried but they haven't succeeded. The people who understand the most have themselves to deal with, and there's not always going to be someone there to fall asleep with, I'm not always going to be able to fall asleep soundly. There are always things on my mind, thoughts whirring around. People out there are always pushing me, shoving me. Then I'm left in a corner alone, dark and isolated. Nobody understands me like I do, and so often it seems nobody tries to. Professionals, yes, they do try, eventually, they'll catch up with you, they might just manage to save me from you. Who are you? I don't know but you're fucking evil and I feel so much hatred towards you. I wish you'd leave my life, and just let me survive. It will never be that easy for me, you're always here, whispering in my ear. Doubt, paranoia, anxiety, love, hate. They will never go away. "Stop telling me what to do, stop telling me which route to choose", I want to scream. I can't scream because I love you too much. So again I'll get upset and you'll tell me not to bother. But it's not a choice, you see. This is not who I'm choosing to be. I'm already trying so hard. I'm trying not to hide. And so what if I want to go out and become legless, these are things that everybody can do, I want to do it too. Is that such a crime? I'm doing so much for you, I get out of bed at some stage and I get dressed, I see people and I write. This really isn't me wasting time, I'm trying to take the most from life. I need a home. That's what I don't have, I've had it before, it's lovely, now I'm back on dependancy. I hate life this way, hate seeing you look at me. Because all I see in your eyes is disappointment and sorrow. I feel violated by the reflection of me, it's screaming "Look at me, look at the mess I've become". I wish I could've been a better woman. I wish they could see how hard I'm trying, but they don't understand mental illness, not even I do, why do I feel this way, why do I think these things? Well, I don't know. And maybe it's not important to know. It's hard, that's easy enough to show. Just try, please. All of you, just try a bit harder to see how difficult it can be, living alone with me.

Green Monster

Did I once see that raging,
Green,
Beautiful monster
In you.
I think I may
Be did.
Though I cannot be sure
Of almost anything,
Any more.

That monster looked so beautiful that day,
I knew I had to walk away,
Wasn't sure
If the monster was real
Or if I was imagining it's lovely soft fur.

You are my monster and
I'm not scared at all,
You are my monster,
And for you I'm not really scared to fall.

-1st December 2011, 00:08