Hush My Darling

I think I know you rather well, and I could be wrong but I've judged you to hell. Now you can tell me I'm wrong and maybe I'll see it, but I know the difference between truths and lies and pretense and real smiles. You're a solitary man, so you like to think. But you love a good drink, down the pub with the likeminded individuals you call friends, you have friends and you're not as lonely as you might think. Maybe I'm getting it all wrong but I don't think that's true, and I'd do anything in the world for you. You confine yourself in your little big cube, you hibernate just as I do and it's not the right path to choose. You're older than me and perhaps wiser. You've done a lot for me over what feels like years when it's so much shorter. I respect you so much and all I'd like is for you to be happy. I stil feel what I always did, but for a while I hid it, as I do, I hide my feelings away but I'm done hiding, especially with you. I never needed to pretend with you. But now they're all gone and you're all that's left inside, I'd like you to come inside. Take over me and look after me, be strong for me when I cannot be. You've done it all before, and I tried my best. I don't know if you're still thankful for me taking that step, I don't know what was real of us, all I know is I never wanted it to end and I still want it now. Are you scared of love or was it just me? I wish it was me that you need. You do crave love, just as much as I and any other, I'm sure of it. Have you met someone else or are you like me, are you simply attempting to be solitary, because you know what love does? I think that's the case, but you don't need to be scared. Hush my darling don't worry about a thing, I'm always here for you and just like I promised, I've been waiting for you. I don't know if it would work out for good, none of us do, but I'd be so willing to give all of my love to you.

You'll Find Me

There is a wind from the east,
There are whirlpools in the bath,
There is a little light that calms me right down,
There are warning signs,

Every where.

There is a man from my past,
There are men I can't forget,
There is a gift from God,
There are pieces of my heart laying in several parts,

Every where.

There is a feeling I some times get,
There are special people out there,
There is a hard way out,
There are always easy ways too,

Every where,
Just look
And you'll find them,

Just look
And you'll find me.

-30th November 2011, 23:42

As Free As Birdsong

Love hurts,
Some times it's too much,
You don't want to carry on,
It's okay,
She's shouting
But it's not,
He is not here,
Tears form
But they won't fall.
I'm all out
Of fear.
I have my pen and paper,
Right here,
It's all I need to survive
I'll live on in memories.
Such a shame,
The sweet young girl
Could never be as free
As birdsong,
That's all she wanted from life;
Freedom.
They were winning the fight,
It's a losing battle.
Heart failure,
Was it's name,
Killed them all,
With a single bullet.
It's all it took
To kill
Their souls.

-Cusworth

All Love Can Do In The End Is Win.

Heartbreak is a mental illness we’ve all suffered from, whether you’re the broken heart or the breaking heart it’s hard to pull through. There’s sorrow and there’s guilt and all those horrible little things, and that person who helped you stay strong is gone. You can’t help but wonder what is left of you, because you know they carried so much of your heart and they didn’t give it back before they left, and what they did give back still smells of them, still reminds you of the light in their eyes, the sunshine they kindled your heart with. You hope you’ll see them again soon, you hope it won’t all wash away, but every time you wash you’re washing their skin from your skin, washing their kiss from your lips every time you pick up that toothbrush. Things were okay back then, before that love existed at all, now you know it exists and it’s gone, you wonder what you’ve become. Love fucks us all. I know it’s fucked me before, and it’s still going on. I miss so many people from my past, I’ve learnt the hard way that love doesn’t always last. Though every so often I see people who are clearly meant to be, and I see happiness and I’ve felt it, too, it is out there.
Every rose has it’s thorn and most relationships prick you every single day, you’ve got to decide which thorns are worth it, and which icebergs are best avoided. I’m not completely sure at all, I don’t know if I ever will be. Once you’ve been hurt by love you can never fully trust it, but my God you can put your passion and your soul in to it. Try to love and you’ll live. Forget about love and you’ll lose the will to survive. Love matters in our lives, it’s what we’re here for. To love one another and to procreate. Pass on information to the next generations, hope they make it even further than we ever did. It’s about being free, you can love whoever you want to, because love knows no boundaries and we don’t choose who we fall for, we don’t choose to fall out, but we can choose to give love our all. That’s what it’s worth. All of you, forever. If you’re not ready for that then don’t sail the ship at all, or you’ll end up sinking just like so many have before, yet maybe it’s not all so bad. You could be a survivor of love. You just need to try a bit harder, give it all you’ve got. Stop being shy, stop thinking it’s a sin. All love can do in the end is win.

-30th November 2011

Scratch The Surface

It’s only just beginning, yet it’s been there for years. I’m realising it now; I need to have patience for intelligence. I’m an intellectual but I’m not a pretentious prick. I won’t always use big fancy words, I’m not scared to say what I think. And I think many many things, sometimes it’s too much. But I’ve got to be strong enough to carry on what George and co. have done, I’ve got to be strong for Him. Doing what I want most would be a sin. A tragic story. It already is, but it can still have a somewhat happy ending right now. I’m going to live for me, from this day forwards. I’ll live for others sakes, so the action of not jumping off the nearest bridge, that’s for you. I’m doing it for all of you, because you need me more than I need you. I love so much, so many, but I don’t always have time for people. I have projects to be working on, I can’t work at a nine to five pace, I can only work for myself. And I’m working really hard, it starts with breathing and it will end in publication, but you’ll always be able to access most of my works, some of my words, for free. I’ve stolen some art in my time, and I don’t really always see that it’s a crime. I’m not up on totalitarianism just yet, but I will be because already I’m an Orwellian, and I wasn’t around in 49 or 84 but I know the score. I feel he’s a father figure, of sorts. He will teach me so much, as will Kundera. I could do with a break to sit and read and write the future, but I need communication and I need time for family and friends and escapism. Reading used to do that for me but now it’s all about learning. There’s enjoyment but it’s work, work, work. It’s too much sometimes and that’s why life is so hard. Life’s easier for people who don’t bother using their brains, or those who’ll happily always escape. I’ve learnt that I need to try and stick with reality most of the time, it’s okay for me to fly away once in a full moon, that’s fine. As long as I come back down and stay for a while. There is so much I need to find out, this is why I cannot die. I need to pass on information, prove that I really do have the brain power and they are not grandiose delusions, fuck the people who don’t bother trying to know me. I’ll only have time for the ones who want to see me and find out the deeper meanings. It’s not all about me at all, that’s just the surface. Try scratching it, and you might just see, you never know, I might show you the real me.

-30th November 2011

The pool where I'd happily drown.

Some times angels fly in to our lives and slowly everything changes, things get better. You become sure of yourself, you believe you can be an angel too. You become one another's angels, then one day your angel gets it's wing caught in a shiny silver door.
Your focus is then to help mend their broken wing, to help them to fly again, but in the process your wings get torn and frayed. Neither of you are angels any more, you could be devils instead.
I'm not certain what I am now, I've been an angel and I've been a devil, now it's like I'm stuck, in purgatory, in the middle. Yet there are still so many people that are angelic, to me. I know they're there, but it becomes hard to care. All I wanted was for my angel to never fly too far away from me, but both our wings were broken, so we couldn't be one another's angels any more. Now I'm waiting, impatience is building. I know I can't find happiness here, I'm ready to jump in to a fjord. The pool where I'd happily drown, it could be anywhere right now.

-28th November 2011

Second Best

Second best,

Is the best anybody can be,
For me.
Now I know how well we work,
It’s so difficult to think of moving on,
Sure, I could have some fun.
Yet all I want is to be in your arms again,
To be in your passenger seat,
Driving around aimlessly,
Anywhere where we are together,
Would be perfect.
Anywhere that you are,
Is a place I’d like to be,
But again, it comes back to the same old thing,
It’s got to be drugs or me.
And I can’t give you an ultimatum,
It’s not fair,
You have your life to live,
And I want to be a part of it,
I just really don’t want them to be part of our relationship.

-26^th November 2011, 16:09

Broken Wings.

We found each other,
When we needed us the most,
Then I chose to say goodbye,
You couldn't understand how hard it was that day,
To see you that way,
It hurt me to see you so low,
It tore me apart,
And you couldn't keep your promises to me,
Yet you tried,
You were trying.
Trying is not always good enough.
I try, all the time.
I've tried so hard to push you out of my mind,
It won't work.
Love works,
It breaks, and it shatters.
But you can always piece it back together,
Do it together,
Mend each other's broken wings,
Learn to fly away together,
Be there,
Care.
I care,
Perhaps too much,
Or maybe it's not enough.
I need to get better,
But I need you to get better,
Alongside me.
Help each other,
Mend our wings,
Fly off in to the night sky,
Oh please, please, please,
Let us fly away together.

-26th November 2011

Equality/Feminism - thoughts/essay/whatever.

I am totally for equality, but men and women are different, and in many ways, I do actually see men as the better sex. Yet there should be no "better" sex. Women can carry children, that is so beautiful and it is so unfair on men, that they will never have that connection. Yet men do not long for connections as much as women do. Men seem to be able to cope with so much more.

A friend was once explaining to me how all women long to settle down and have children, and at the time, I had to disagree. Yet now I see the truth, which is it. Women long for something, that closeness, women get lonely. Yet men are more prone to solitude. We need to look deeper. Do men actually enjoy loneliness? Of course not, they're just better at dealing with things alone, it's how it's always been. Men do the hard work; we could go back to so many eras. Men have to prove themselves by showing they can deal with their emotions. They hide them away and women are allowed to shower affection on their loved ones.

Take the modern day example; girls can hold each other’s hands, put kisses on the end of text messages, make themselves look prettier without having their sexuality questioned. If we were to see two men walk round the streets holding hands we would automatically assume they were gay. This is why I cannot understand feminism. Men are shunned just as much as women and I do not want to shun anybody. I could not think of a male equivalent to 'feminist', so you are fighting for equality yet there is no equal term for men. It is just something I personally cannot comprehend. If they do not show their masculinity enough, they are taunted. If women do not look feminine enough they can be shunned too, yet it is all getting much better. Things are becoming much more accepted in some societies. Yet lesbians are still much more accepted than gay men. And why do women have a special word for that? There is no term for a gay man, yet the term 'lesbian' exists.

I want to fight for equality, but not just for women. Fair enough women are probably less likely to get a pay rise, but actually most of the time it's because we're simply not set out to achieve those things. Women always have been the ones who stay at home, keep the house clean and look after the children. It's in our blood, in our history. And why campaign unless it's affecting you personally. You've been in your job for years, so has that guy, oh and he's had pay rise after pay rise. Why haven't you? Is it really sexism or is he just better at his job than you are, or did you fall for your boss and have an office affair? Yes, I will assume, it is a natural feminine reaction to look for a hunter, a man to keep things stable. Nevertheless, if you are going to be stupid enough to have sex with your boss, or even a co-worker, don't expect everything to go swimmingly; it's not how this world works. If you want to do well in this world, you have to fight for it.

So fight to get to the top, or get down off your high horse and admit, all you want is a man and children, happiness. At least men admit to being over bearing in order to prove their masculinty, women never admit to doing anything wrong because we're too stubborn. Well, I, as a woman, will admit that yes, a lot of the time, all I want is stability, and if that means a husband, house and kids, then yes, that's what I want eventually. Yet I've realised I don't need a man to be who I am, I can get wherever I want to without one. I can survive this life alone, for so long, if that's how it happens. And if I meet someone, and it fucks up, I can't blame them, because the majority of the time when women call men all the names under the sun, it's actually their fault. So think about all those times you've slagged off your man, your ex, think about how it went wrong. You were probably being too clingy, too much. Women are too needy. Step back, take some time for yourself, see how it goes, appreciate your love but spend some time apart. Absence makes the heart grow fonder - it is true. Just learn to be comfortable with you.

Looking for help in the mirror.

Night time is always the worst,

When it’s hard to control my thoughts,
And I wish there was someone with whom to be,
Just to settle down and watch a film alongside me.

Any time can be bad,
But during the day help can be had,
When the rest of the world is sleeping,
I’m still awake, worrying and hoping.

Night time is always best,
Then I’m allowed to just sleep through it,
Yet it’s not always so easy to drift off,
When there’s no-one beside me.

Any time can be good,
There’s always somebody to turn to,
You are always there,
Looking for help in the mirror.

-19^th November 2011, 22:25

Scared of myself

I don't know what's real any more,
What's love and what's simply infatuation,
I'm scared of myself,
So reliant on others
I don't know what's for the best,
Don't know which path to choose,
I'm so confused.

-17th November 2011

Change

Don't cough,
Try not to have the slightest hiccup,
Any noise you make could wake the world up.

Don't run,
Try not to pretend,
You could change the world with the thoughts in your head.

Single-handedly,
You won't get far,
With hard work and effort,
Make other people care.

Once you're out there,
Every one will know your name,
Whether they love you or hate you,
They'll see your passion,
They'll hear your voice.

Your reasoning,
Your aim.

Look up at the sky,
Look around you,
There are endless possibilities here,
Find a road to drive down,
Stay for a while
And move on,
See the beauty while it's there,
Try your best,
To make it stay,
Almost exactly that way.

-17th November 2011

So many giants

Pain,
Which hurts more?
They're both killing me,
But physically, I'll give it all I've got,
Mentally, I'll give it a shot
Yet I am not strong enough
To stand on the shoulders,
Of so many giants,
I have to get through my own shit first.

-17th November 2011

Relapse

It was bound to come,
That's why they warned me,
Why they tried to make us turn away
From each other,
But your light shines too bright.

So, go and smoke a cigarette,
Down a bottle of whisky,
Roll a joint,
Light up,
Get your gems,
But I won't always be there.
If I know that all you're doing is
Collapsing.
I'll be waiting,
Constantly.

When me alone,
Can be enough.
Company, communication, closeness,
It can be enough for me.
Love is all I really dream of.
And there's a love affair with you,
It's like a three way,
But I'm being left out in the cold.

Shivering, in the dark,
Crying, alone.
Hello? Emergency
Help, please!
It's on it's way, to both you and me.

-17th November 2011

My head is a traffic jam.

I knew the day would come,
When I'd be so confused,
By rights and wrongs
That I didn't know which road to choose.

I know what they would think was what I need,
And I somewhat agree,
But I don't want to turn my back on you.

Yet I told you,
You knew,
I would say goodbye,
If you reconnected with them.

Now my head is a traffic jam,
My priorities are rearranged,
Deranged.
I'm not sure if I'm in too deep,
I've made promises to myself,
That I'm not sure I can keep.

One more chance,
But is it one too many?
I don't know what to do,
All I know is I don't want to turn my back on you.

Maybe it's for the best,
Sometimes the hardest thing to do,
Is also the easiest.
I hate what I feel for you,
I love you, too much.

-16th November 2011

Cardboard Boots

Living out of
Cardboard boots.
Boxes, bags, car boots,
Cardboard, plastic, paper,
Materials,
They don't really matter.
People do.
Emotions do.

That's why I'm so in love
With living out of cardboard boots
With you.

Paper, pens,
Materialistic,
I admit, it's what I am.
So I carry on,
Living out of a backpack,
Full of my identity.

Love, cuddles, kisses,
Sexuality,
That's what matters to me.
So, I would,
Live, forever,
Loving being anywhere,
That you are.

Living out of cardboard boots,
With you,
That's the nightmare I'm living.

Stability is what we need,
But I'll live this rollercoaster forever, with you.

-14th November 2011

Thank you for Him,

I'll look after him,
When you aren't there
And have no way to get to him,
I am already by his side
Thank you for getting us to each other,
I promise,
I'll take over from here,
Wherever he is,
I will not be far away
And we will look after each other
When one of us is too weak,
The strong helps the other,
Always,
We will have one another
I promise you,
I am his,
And he is mine,
Forever,
Thank you,
So much,
Thank you, for
Him.

-13th November 2011

Rolling up

Rolling up,
It reminds me of those days we'd spend,
Little money, but happiness was in the air,
Fucked up minds,
Tales of sad times,
Everything we shared,
It was so beautiful,
You were so kind.
I was such a fucked up mess,
Inside.
I tried.
You were so good to me,
And I messed up,
Truly,
I'm sorry.

-18th November 2011, 23:50

The lone girl

They might wonder about me,
The lone girl sat,
With a cigarette,
A notebook and a pen,
Headphones on.
But why wonder,
When you could find out,
With a simple question,
And two minutes of listening,
But nobody seems to listen,
Nobody has the time,
Of day for me.
That's why I wonder,
Why I'm wandering,
Completely lost,
In my own world,
Full of bliss and shit.

- 12th November 2011

Can't break her fall

- Inspired by Mat Kearney - Can't break her fall.
The first two lines of this poem were stolen from his song. -

___________________________________________________

She says today is gonna be the last time,
I know there's never gonna be an easy way out,
There never is,
Barely anything happening
Without ifs and buts
Flashes,
Bright lights,
Danger,
Safety nets,
I need to build one,
All around me,
Cocoon myself
So that nobody,
Not even me
Can break my fall.

- 12th November 2011

Judgement.

Security,
Serenity,
When old things become new,
It's wonderful
And I can look after myself,
If only I was trusted
But the world is fucked up,
Too much judgement,
Too many judging,
Not enough caring.
Not enough questions,
Questioning, everything.
It's what I do, even,
More so, lately.
My mind is fractured,
Yet it's good.
I want to be listened to
Because I think I have things to say,
Validity, caring.
I know I'm not a bad person,
I'm full of joy,
At least I would be,
If more people could see,
See the beauty in things,
Life,
Love,
It's all we need to get us through.
Kindness and caring
Is what the world needs,
I'm willing to fight for my rights,
I want to fight for everything,
Every thing that I believe in,
But usually it seems nobody else is,
That really upsets me, people just don't get me.

- 12th November 2011

Hiding away from reality.

Running,
Hiding,
Away,
from reality.
Ever since that day,
I don't know when it happened,
But I stopped caring,
Started caring,
Too much,
Thinking,
Overthinking,
Not thinking enough,
It's been about five years
and I'm still fucked up,
I know what's right,
And I know what's wrong,
As long as they're helping themselves
I want to help them.
I look out for me,
Look after number one,
But if someone needs what I have,
They can take it away.
I don't need to have it all,
All i need is to be secure,
Happiness is all I long for,
Yet it never seems to come.
Those were the best days of my life,
Now they're gone.
Once you've realized you are broken,
You know nobody can ever heal you,
But you,
And I care too much to walk away,
From anyone,
So I'm a write off, for sure.

- 12th November 2011

Yours, forevermore?

Selfish fuckers,
They don't deserve a man like you,
You are amazing,
Give me shivers through and through,
Take me away,
To a better place,
You do.
Management
- Anxiety, anger, emotions,
You are my controller.
Beautiful man,
Is this what i am?
Yours, forevermore?
Simplicity,
Complexites,
Beauty,
We are love,
That is all we need.

- Cusworth

Karma's a bitch

We have to face up to reality,
Can't always have all of our dreams come true,
Yet I met you.
What's most important is always there,
In the shadows,
Waiting.
And Karma's a bitch,
But she's lovely.
I have to stay put,
Can't run away this time.
I found the place that feels like home,
It was bad timing,
Can't go back there right now.
Yet the safest place to be,
Is always waiting to be found,
I found his arms,
In a place full of demons,
And sadness.
My greatest dream has come true,
Maybe yours could too...

- Cusworth

Sickly sweet vanilla

Sickly sweet vanila,
Rattling chains,
Running through my veins,
Brains,
Mashed up,
Write off.
Fuck it all,
I think.
Blink, breathe.
Count to ten,
Look up,
See the beauty in this place,
Heaven and hell,
Serenity, and peace,
Equals freedom.

- Cusworth

Darling

Fuck every one apart from you, darling,
You are my life,
The reason I choose to
Survive. My current life,
I would never leave you,
In your mind and memories,
I will always exist.
God will help us both.
It is always there,
Watching,
Just like the sun and the stars and planets.
Cameras,
Don't ever hide.
Baby please always survive.

- Cusworth

FTN

Fuck the nhs, fuck you,

Fuck helping,

Fuck being alright

All right,

Human rights,

Never going to be

Right,

Fucked up, mental,

Basket case,

Help is all I'm

Asking, for,

Lord, please.

- Cusworth

I'm going to type up the poems I wrote in hospital here, a lot of them aren't dated and I don't remember exactly when I wrote them, so they will probably just be marked with 'Cusworth' 'Skelbrooke' 'Oxleas' or simply 'Hospital' instead of a date and/or time.

I'll be starting with a few of them today, but there'll be many more to come. I don't think I'm going to be putting any of my other old writing on here just yet though, if at all. This blog will be mostly for the things I've written, or documented some other way since being in hospital, I want to start over with this one and keep it looking sort of professional. I may still use my old blog for some things, if you'd like a link to that let me know. But this is the blog I'll be putting the important things from now on.

I don't need anything more now...

I don't need to be scared any more,
Because there's always a way out,
I don't need to miss home any more,
Because there's always a way in.

I don't need to run away now,
Because i'm comfortable in my own skin,
I don't need to hide now,
Because i am the real me.

I don't need a man now,
Because i have myself to deal with,
I don't need constant attention now,
Because i am comfortable with my own company.

I don't need everything to be done for me now,
Because i'm very capable,
I don't need a saviour now,
Because i'm still here.

I don't need anything more now,
Because i have it all,
I don't need to wait now,
Because i can do whatever i put my mind to.

-18th November 2011, 22:41

R.I.P, my love

Rest in peace, my love.
These are not words i want to be writing,
Any time soon,
You promised you'd out live me.

So what are you doing,
Out there alone.

Rest in peace, my love.
Farewell,
This is not something i want to be saying,
Goodbyes don't come easy to me,
And you promised me.

Where are you?
I'm calling, and calling,
And you don't pick up.
Is it bad signal,
Or network failure,
Have you really gone?

Rest in peace, my love.
Hugs and kisses,
Love,
That's what i want to be expressing.

Yet when you do these things that you do,
It turns in to anger and melancholy,
My mind turns to mush.
Melodies,
They're beautiful.

Let me sing you, a lullaby,
Give you, a kiss goodnight,
Don't let me have to place the flowers down.
Don't let me have to say those words to you,
Please, don't do that right now.

Rest in peace, my love,
Goodnight,
Goodbyes,
It never comes easy,
But i feel that soon it will all end up in those words,
The ones i couldn't bear to say,
The body i couldn't bear to see,
Broken,
Rotten,
Cold and freezing over.

Rest in peace, my love.
Come here,
Walk with me.

-15:25, 17/11/11