Rain, Rain, Go Away.

Rain, rain, go away,
Come back another day.
You make me miserable, you make me sad,
You make me forget the hope I've had.
Sometimes I think you're perfect,
Lovely to listen to,
Pattering on rooftops.
Today I despise you,
Today you're bad.
Sun, come out to play,
Just make the gloomy days go away.

It Has To Be.

That sick feeling rises higher,
You, I still admire.
It's love and hate,
Together.
But was it love,
Or was it too soon
Did we give it more than it was.
I still get that fluttery feeling in my belly,
When you talk to me,
I still wonder what we could've been.
But it's too late now,
It has to be.
Doesn't it.
It has to be.
You can see.

The Big Bottomless Pit.

I want to jump in to the pit, let them bury me in it. Fuck the rubble in my brain, let's feel something real again. The wind is howling, it roars at me. Lashes at my cheeks. I step inside, but it is not warm and cosy in here. My stomach feels empty, it tries to tell me to eat but I cannot be bothered with anything. I'm already in the pit, I'm already buried in it. The rubble's being heaped on top of me, and now I can no longer breathe. I'm dying, but it's a slow painful death. Just smile, and laugh. Try to pretend everything's okay, and maybe it will be one day. But I've lost my positive outlook on life lately. I'm admitting defeat, the depression has eaten me up and swallowed me in bits, I'm in pieces. On the floor, crying out for help. Help has come and gone, now you're on your own. In the big bottomless pit. Alone. Go out there and fight for everything, go out there and try to do something. But what do I do? There's nothing I can do. I cannot change the world, I cannot resolve anything that's wrong here. All I can do is hide away, bury my head in shame. I'm just a girl, I can't change the world. I can't change anything. This is the way I am. I'm a ball of darkness, it's buried deep. I cannot change the way I think.

I'm Getting Tired Of The Fight.

I'm so sick of waking,
Sick of the cold, the wind,
The waves of misery
That flood my veins.
I can't see happiness
Ahead of me,
It's all bleak.
I'm so weak.
Worn down,
Torn down,
My feelings of love
Are up in the air,
Everything looks so dim,
Out in the streets it's dark
I can only see specks of light,
I'm getting tired of the fight.

-28th December 2011

You Cannot Take It All Away From Me.

You cannot take it all away from me. Take what is yours, rightfully. Take what you bought, for me. But you can’t take reality away. Those few weeks, that was heaven for me. Then I slumped back down, crashed and burned. Like an angel, I was falling.

You wanted your gems more than you wanted us to be, I guess you could say the same for me. Yet the reality is that we both played our parts in throwing that love away. Now it is gone, I see more clearly. We could have worked out, eventually. It was always going to be a rollercoaster with you, not one of the little caterpillars either. No, this was the scariest most sickening ride I had ever seen. Brand new. We were the first to test it, and we should have read the warning signs.
 

Signposted everywhere in bold, bright red lettering, “Love hurts”, “It won’t work” – we just drove right past them. Fuck the law, we thought. It will catch up, eventually. You cannot run away from it forever. Somebody will be sitting, waiting. You’ll have fines to pay. Maybe your fine will be your life, one day. That would take both our lives. It got to the stage where I began to think I couldn’t live without you. I toughened up and walked away. Turned you in, that’s what I did. What I tried to do, but they turned you away, too.
 

So it’s up to you, now. Only you can choose. There are so many lanes, flyovers, bridges. So much still needs building. Start up from scratch, fuck it all off, push it away. Just make the decision - the decision to start over from today.
Go travel the globe, get a job, start a course, just enjoy being, learn to love learning. Life lessons – they are hard to get some times, but you know all the way through. They are there. You have to decide, whether to hear them, but too often, we ignore them.
 

I have opened my eyes, I’ve begun to listen, realized rules are there for a reason. I am certain I’ll still break some, my heart’s open. That is almost impossible to change, but I will try my hardest. Learning to love me more, that’s my mission. I can’t expect anybody else to understand if I don’t even get it myself, so I’m trying.
Hiding, I’m done with. This is me, I’m here for the taking. Yet you cannot have all of me, because I’m nobody’s. I am mine, I’m me, and that’s who I always intend to be. My problem is attention deficiency.
  

So I’m gone, and I do apologise, most sincerely. I just hope you learnt something from me. You can’t take my life from me. You can set a bomb off in front of me, but I will run away from it. I do not stick around when things get scary. There’s only so much danger one can take. I gave my heart, on a plate.

“Einmal ist Keinmal” – that’s the lesson I have learnt. That and self-admiration. Following through with aspirations. You’ll see me again and I will be exactly where I always wanted to be.

-22nd November 2011

Are You Afraid Of Love?

Goodbyes don't come easy to me,
And we never even got to say that properly,
The love I felt for you simply had to end,
This I cannot comprehend.
There are many miles between us,
But absence makes the heart grow fonder,
Perhaps it's true,
I still feel what I always felt for you.
Maybe I laid myself bare and open,
Too quickly,
Maybe my mistake was giving you too much,
Too quickly.
All I know is I'd love for us to give it a go,
Yet I'm aware,
You don't see me as the one for you.
I admire you,
But it seems you've forgotten me.
I came in to your life broken,
And you had your arms wide open
But I didn't fix myself quickly enough,
And so I had to go,
Back home,
Out back in to the world alone.
Now I'm getting better,
But I won't forget you, ever.
I wish you still had your arms wide open,
It seems that now, you are more guarded.
Are you afraid of love?
Because I am too
But I don't want to give up the love
I feel for you.

-21st December 2011

There's No Robin Hood Any More.

The rich don't seem to care for the poor,
There's no robin hood any more.
They sit on their thrones,
They allowed them their loans.
They talk of profits,
Numbers, calculations,
The weather forecast is grey,
It's all grey today.
I wish the waste of this country would sail away,
But it seems it's here to stay.
The wind blew your cigarette away,
Now the council are going to make you pay.
There's no money,
The bills will have to be paid another day,
They soar,
But they never fly off in to the night,
The poor just have to fight and fight
To get through life.
I feel the wind blowing, rough on my cheeks,
I sighed, looked down at my feet
They have their maids,
We have nothing.
This country will never change,
The constant worry will never fade.

-21st December 2011

Lost Loves Filling Up My Head

I felt so much love for you,
But we moved so fast,
It simply wasn't meant to last.
The arguments told me we couldn't go on,
To me it was apparent that for each other we were wrong.
I'd gone back to him,
In my mind and my heart,
With him I was taken up
But he doesn't want me now,
I'm not sure he ever did.
The feelings I have for him won't ever go away,
There'll always be a part of me that longs for those days,
But I don't even know who he is any more.
I met another him,
Someone new, so refreshing,
Are new starts,
But I gave him too much of my heart,
He couldn't accept my love
And I don't understand why,
I do still long for him at night,
In his arms everything felt so right.
But I couldn't wait,
Too scared to be alone,
So again, I moved on,
And again, I gave too much of myself away,
That was a rushed, sudden, overwhelming love,
It was too much, in the end,
And I had to walk away then
For my heart's sake.
So now I'm alone,
And I'm trying to learn life without love
But I think it's too much.
At night, it's so hard to sleep,
I miss those times,
Watching comedy together,
Smoking in bed.
I miss it all,
I miss feeling like I belonged,
That's how I felt when I found your arms.
There are so many lost loves filling up my head,
It's you I keep coming back to now, though,
I feel so terrible, I fucked up so badly
And we never really got to give it a go,
I miss you so.

-20th December 2011

There's Still Light

I love the intricacy of this town, it's so old and houses so much history. With it's cobbled streets, the old ruins of the Abbey and the picturesque little houses on the hills, looking out through the keyhole, I truly see how beautiful this place is. We walk the pier and take photographs, in years to come we'll look back on them. The memories are in our minds but photographs stay forever, one day I hope to show them to my grandchildren and tell them of days like this. Tell them how we climbed the steps, leaving nana at the bottom, then sat in a cosy little cafe with hot drinks and chocolate coated flapjacks. Bring them here, on a cold winters day, wrapped up in so many layers, but embracing the day - not the traffic jams nor the rain will defeat us, we will have our day out. The fresh sea air is so revitalising, chilling, to the core, but you want it all the more. A breath of fresh air - literally, watching the waves crash around underneath the wooden slats on the pier, feeling like you're moving with them, it's a good feeling. Not much can beat it. I picked up a postcard in a shop full of wonderful things, and the quote upon it brings hope in to my life - "The point of life is life" (Goethe). Starting living for today, reminisce about days gone by, sure, enjoy memories of good times, but try your best to leave them behind. Life is love, and love is the future, everything it holds in store for you. And it's okay to wonder what tomorrow brings, but you don't need to plan so far ahead as next year. Whatever life brings will come. You just have to fight through the bad, and get to the good. Even when it really is all grey and foggy, there's still light, the world still turns.
Los Campesinos speak the truth - The sea is a good place to think of the future.

I Will Be There, And I Will Care.

I don't want to call anyone a lost cause,
It may seem like I have given up on you,
But that is not the case,
I just know I need to learn
To love myself
Before I can really expect to be loved
By anyone else.
That includes you,
I need to learn to love me more,
I have to explore
Yet I've never said
"I don't have time for you"
I do,
I have time for you,
I'll listen
And I'll care,
I haven't forgotten you,
I never will,
As I see it
We just need to spend more time on ourselves,
Instead of putting all our energies
In to one another
But I will be there,
And I will care,
I'll never stop being your friend,
You're always welcome in to my life.

-14th December 2011

Y.

"What is unique about the 'I' hides itself in what is unimaginable about a person", you have to peel off the skin, peel back the layers, like a banana, an onion. To get to the heart of things we have to take off layers. If the task at hand is getting to know somebody, questions will have to be asked. For me, you have to forget bland and boring, add taste, texture, colour - feeling. No "what's your favourite colour" - that's mundane shit, more "what's your favourite thing to wear", "why are you here?". Here being anywhere, the place you are in, the time scale, mindset. Why's are important and there's a "why" in everything.

-14th December 2011

Ticked Box.

I don't want you to just be a chapter,
I'd rather you be part of the whole book.
I don't want you to just have been a phase,
I'd rather you be a big river than just a small lake.
You're like a maze, and you amaze me,
I don't ever want to find the way out,
But that's not such a bad thing.
I don't need you to be there constantly, for me to lean on,
But I'd like you to be there along the way,
Every now and then.
I'm never going to grow out of you,
You're not one of those books that I'd pick up,
Read a few lines of and decide that I can't get on with.
You're a work in progress,
And I'd like to keep reading as the story gets updated.
Please don't ever leave me out of your proof-reading list,
Don't let me be just a box that's already been ticked.

- 14th December 2011

Find Our Way Back Home.

The three of us, mother, dad and I* were walking along, in the bright sun, on a dry day. We were on a long stretch of road, completely lost, in the middle of nowhere. In a foreign country, where we knew no language to speak and our way back to the hotel - well we couldn't find it, nor the words to ask a passer by. We all started to panic, mom started to whine at dad, he got angry and threw his sunglasses, shouting obscenities at the humid heat. Then we saw a pretty bird in a tree, and forgot everything. The tree was tropical, something that would only survive in a hot country. And the bird was beautiful, blues, reds and yellows, I think there was some green too. We all stared at the bird, searched for words to describe it's beauty, but there were none. Somehow it gave us hope, dad stopped shouting, mom stopped whining - and suddenly this walk wasn't boring. It didn't matter that we were lost in that moment, all that mattered was that everything was beautiful once again, and we all knew we'd find our way back home.

-14th December 2011

 *Random line of a book I need to find out the name of...

Delicate Skin And Bones.

I see your tiny hands, fingers, delicate skin and bones. I want to hold you close and cuddle you in and never let go. I love your little smile, your laugh and the way you try to say my name. I try to help you grow, hold your hands and help you walk, speak to you and help you talk. I remember when you first came in to the world and you got here just in time, before I went away. You don't know how special that was, for me. It was like a sign, that you had heard my pleas. You are like a little miracle, so sweet. I wonder who you're going to be when you grow up, I know you're going to be a star. You'll stand out from the rest, not even the moon could outshine you. Nor the sun. There is only you and one other who can make me feel this way, you and her, together, you ease the pain away.

-14th December 2011

Nine Lives.

Chances, how many do we get? If I was a cat, I don't think I'd have any lives left. I've died over and over again. And they don't see, see how much this disease hurts me. People with physical illnesses, they get help, they get sympathy. And I'm not asking for everybody or anybody to pander to my every need, just for people to show me a little more love and a little less hatred. Because I'm trying my hardest. But they don't care, apparently now I'm on this end of the scale it's all okay now. Apparently I'm expected to go out and get on with everything, it's not always so easy. I know that other people suffer too, and I know that so many people have it worse than I do, but that doesn't take it away, it doesn't make anything better at all. If anything it just makes me feel a whole lot worse. More people suffer and more people cry, how many people get to go to sleep soundly and happily at night? Not I.

-8th December 2011

A Big Black Hole

Today all I see is a big black hole. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, I don't know where I am going. It's cold outside, cold inside too, so I wrap up in my duvet all cosy and drift off in to dream land, where everything's fine. Nothing can get to me in sleep, I hide away from life and reality. Get up, you can't spend all day in dreams, you've got a life to live. I don't want to wake. I drag myself from my slumber, roll a cigarette, go out in to the cold and listen to the rain pattering down. Turn the heating dial, let's get some warmth in here. Turn on the lights, don't let darkness in. The dark is never ending. Press play, listen to music, soothing lyrics. I'm not the only one who has felt this way, the music tells me. It's not all going to end today, you've just got to pursue your dreams and not let life bring you down. That's the message I'm getting, I just don't know how they all get by. Today I want to sleep forever, and I will. I'll face reality tomorrow, I promise you. Today I'm going to live in my world of lyrics, sweet voices and instruments, sleep and dreams. I just cannot face the world today, and I'm not even sorry. I've been trying so hard, but today it's got to me, let's see what tomorrow brings. I have my doubts of it bringing good things.

-12th December 2011

There's No Need For Darkness Any More.

I think we should all admit that love is the be all and end all. It's all that really matters. It's why we were put on earth. Love is what inspires my lines of poetry, life inspires me too. But life is one giant quest for love, "longing for the halves of ourselves we have lost", we can't be truly happy alone. We get lonely, tired and weak. There is a darkness all around without love, we have to build up walls, protect ourselves from the world. But none of us can fight the world alone, we need company. And I long to be in your company, to rest in your arms. So much in life matters, but once you find love that's true, there's nothing else left to do. You just get by, leaning on one another. You've found your light, there's no need for darkness any more.

-10th December 2011

Sap!

I still care about you, so much so. It really hurts to think I may have to let go. I don't know how to say all the things I want to say to you, so I write these lines instead. Life can be inspiring, but what is more inspiring than love? I don't see anything that is. Every day I try to write something of substance, writing eases the pain, but it cannot ever really heal a heart break. I read, and I listen to music, a lot. But I find you staring back at me, with your beauty astounding me. You are in every page, of any book I pick up, you are a main character in everything I see, you are every leaf of my notepads, you are the ink in my pen. You're the music to my lyrics, the speakers to my songs. You are my inspiration for every thing I write, you, I let come inside. From you I would never hide. I don't know what I was doing, messing around with other guys, I thought I'd fallen in love, but I see that for what it really was now. I needed someone to need me, I was too needy. I'm past that now. I want you to want me, but I'll love you no less, if you tell me "it's for the best". Love is uncontrollable, it's true. And I can finally say, now I'm well and clean, this really is love that I feel. The purest love I ever felt. I love you, alone, nobody else. Yet I don't need you, I want you. If you don't want me, it's fine, I'll go, or I'll stay, at a distance. For myself, I wish for you. Above everything else, I wish for happiness to be bestowed upon you. You're so special, honestly, I'd do anything for you. For you are the reflection I see everywhere. I could almost call you a ghost, but ghosts no longer live, and in my mind, you are so alive. You inspire me to survive.

-9th December 2011

London

I miss you, big city, bright lights. I miss you, and the people you house. You became my home, my safe haven, then you threw me out. All I wanted was to be happy with you, my friend, my foe. There's always something to do, in you. Buzzing streets, busy nights, so many people around to see the sights. Your river, so pretty to sit by, the big green space I grew to adore, your kooky little shops and even your big chain stores, I love you, and I miss you, terribly. I wish I could call you home again, but it's not to be this time. I need a little more time. Once I'm settled, I can justify being unsettled here. It's not you, and I really didn't get to know you quite as well as I would've liked. I'll be back, for sure. You are my shore, the place I feel happiest. I can wander round your streets and marvel at your beauty. I'll be back to see you soon, and I hope I'll be back to stay, one day.

-8th December 2011

My Biggest Weakness

Every piece of music reminds me of you, every lyric sends signals to my heart and it quivers, remembering you, once again. Every page of every book, every time I see people all loved up. I'm definitely still ill, I'm sick with missing you. And I don't know if we'll ever get what we had back. The thought of never touching you again, tenderly kissing you on the forehead, never feeling your lips brush mine, it kills me inside. I don't know what this is, in the past I named it love, and it could be. I don't want to say those words, I think they're too much right now. They were too much for you to take, maybe it was just all too soon. But do we get another shot? I'll take it slow this time around, I'll do it all properly. Learn more about you as time goes by, write you poetry and stories with happy endings. You are the one I want to hand me over to, I'm mine first and foremost, and I'm building myself back up, I'm becoming stronger all the time. I try my best not to give in to the weakness too much. But you, you are my biggest weakness, and you're there all the time. You're there in my mind, but you're not here. You're out there somewhere and it's been a while since I heard from you last. If it's all over, that's okay. I want you to be happy, regardless of how I feel. I'd give it all up for you. And I guess I could move on, I can be that strong. I just don't want to move on from you, because the feeling I get when I'm around you, when I see your smile, see you undress... everything about you just takes my breath.

-8th December 2011

The Shark's Jaws.

I love the sound of pattering rain,
Almost as much as the sound of your name.
I am an island,
But not every man is,
I think we could create a new one,
Together,
Build an empire,
But you won't fly away with me,
Of that I'm sure.
You could be my jellyfish,
All bright and happy and free,
It's you I want to see.
I'm just not so sure you want to see me.
You are the shark's jaws,
And I am your human meat,
But will you want me to eat?
I'll be there for you,
No matter what mountains we have to get through
I just don't know if you're willing to walk the mountains with me.
I'll be your robin,
And you be my red chest,
Robins are beautiful,
Yet they're not at all as beautiful as you.
I'll be your tree, full of pretty autumn leaves,
I'll write you love poetry daily,
On paper trees,
But will you build a lovely forest with me,
Please?

-7th December 2011

London Underground

So many stairs,
And escalators,
Everybody's rushing,
Nobody takes their time here,
Sometimes I like the fast pace,
Sometimes I'd like it to slow down,
London Underground
I do love thou,
Even with your
Shouts of
"Mind the gap"
Even with your
Stink of piss and sweaty armpits,
You get me where I need to be,
And you get me there fast.

-7th December 2011

A sea of rainbow tents.

I'm breathing underwater! How I hear you ask, well I'm on a train, we're going pretty fast. The water is gushing all around but I'm not scared. We're safe, we're safe in here. Then we see the light at the end of the tunnel, and all of a sudden everyone is standing. It's time to leave, but our journey is just beginning. On to the next train, I like it here. Phone network's changed. Everything's changing. Big pretty buildings, old little towns, awesome graffiti on the walls. We're getting tired of travelling now. It's nearly over, we've reached our destination. Men pissing, people everywhere. Balloons in the sky, food stalls outside family homes. A sea of rainbow tents. We found our friends, we hand our tickets over and we're in. It's so cool here, so much better than anything England could do. If I had to choose, I'd stay here forever. Drinking mojitos, paid for with tokens. Listening to the sweet voices sing and the instruments playing. I have my wristband on, I've found heaven, on earth. Oh please, let me stay forever.

-7th December 2011

Cigarettes and coffee stains.

I still have some of my old vices - cigarettes and coffee stains, rain drops on the rooftops and window panes. But I lost a great vice; your words, your smile, the laughter in your eyes. I lost you because I was still using that ridiculous drug, and it was messing me up. I didn't see it then, but I see it now and I'm sure, I won't be going near it any more. I just can't help but think I've messed up any chance we had, and the thought of that is quite sad. I don't know if you'd give me another chance or not. I'm not sure how much hope I've got. Me and you is something I really like the idea of, nobody else. I'm honestly not over you, if you feel the same, show me how. Give me a sign that this could work out.

-6th December 2011

The Big Green Grass

I'm not going back to that fairytale life, I'm not going to live a lie. It's like a dream, so obviously unreal. It can make life so full of sorrow, when you come crashing back down. We cannot live our lives that way. Anger, frustration, paranoia - especially. They're illegal for a reason.
I've had a reminder of why I ran away from the story book, I don't want to go back. It changes me, I've already changed from who I used to be and that's okay. Forgiven, but not forgotten. They're all well aware you could fall back down the wishing well, they all know if you do you'll end up in hell. I'm one of them. Now, it's about moving on, never forgetting the help you have got.
I was walking through the big green grass, forgetting to observe or observing too much. I was in my own little world but it was like being trapped in a snowglobe. Then someone found my diary, and they reached out deep in to the pages and the poetry and found the real me. He picked up my snowglobe and smashed it in to pieces, they helped him. Water was gushing everywhere, snow flakes all over the floor and me, laying, broken bones. I thought he was going to leave me there, but he picked me up, dusted me down and threw me to the clowns.
It was scary, and I've never had a fear of clowns until that time. I'd escaped from my magic world, could roam the world on my own again. It wasn't that easy for me, fear was everywhere. Then I began to see, the clowns weren't out to get me, they were here to help look out for my safety. They cocooned me, I was like a baby tamarind ball. About to ripen. I'd escaped my cage, I was free.
Oh no, it wasn't to be. They built a new globe for me, this one was full of waterslides and rapids, I began to quite like it. They even threw me some company in, it was a safe haven, hopeless, yet hopeful, somehow. There's always a way to get out. Besides, in my new globe, there were still clowns around. They decided to eventually knock the walls down.
I get scared when there are no walls around, nothing there to protect me from even me. But I did it, I ran free. Then I roamed too far, and I ended up back in the pages with the big green grass and the pretty coloured waterfalls, and I had to come crashing back.
I landed with a bang, had a headache then. I learnt that I don't need to hide from reality, because it's not so bad. I just have to think of all the help I've had and give something back.

-4th December 2011

Nasty Girl.

I let the hot water drown my skin, rub in the soap, wash out his touch. Dirt cheap, nasty girl. I cocoon myself, in my bath towel, stand there, dripping, shivering, in the steam. Regrets aren't me, but last night just might be an exception. I can't pretend any more. I can't pretend that doing those things is okay. Paranoia, confusion, babble. I do it enough, anyway. I didn't need to touch that junk. Why I went back on my word, I'm not sure. I know what it does, I've been what it did. And I don't want to be the girl who wakes up dreading remembering, wondering what's waiting on the other side of the duvet. I really don't want to be this girl any more.

-4th December 2011

Melt My Ice Cream.

I'm cutting out the word 'love' from my vocabulary, advice I decided was good, because I love too much. I let it take over me. Like a drug. An illegal, class A one. Danger, danger. There are red and blue flashing lights, sirens, the burglar alarm is going off. Constantly. They've all burgled me. They took pieces of me, my heart, memories. I can't get all of the pieces back, so I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if I could ever be enough for you. Future, I'm not sure I have time for you. Past and present is currently all I can do. Worry, it's what I do. Day, in, day, out. I've been fucked around, but I've done some fucking around too. I use men as my shoulders, my pillows. I'm too old to have a pacifier so instead I like to have human heat, skin on skin, cuddles, and kisses and such. But love means so much to me, and I think I'm already in it. Today everything is blissful, I'm happy with the place I'm in. Watch out for tomorrow, the sunshine may have melted my ice cream by then.

-3rd December 2011

Playing With Fire

I'm a mess inside,
My head's a traffic jam of men,
I don't want you to be one of the cars,
Not unless you're going to be my beetle,
But I love beetles,
And I'm trying to cut out love from my life.
I don't have time for love
Because it takes over me.
But they've already taken over,
I like you.
And I want that to be enough,
I'm too guarded,
I'll cut you off,
You'll have to try really hard,
And I don't want to make it too hard,
But it could be,
If you start playing with fire,
If you start playing with me,
Things could get messy.

-3rd December 2011

My Shining Light

Thinking of you is killing me, I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. Still, you never let me go, you never let me leave you completely. I don't know what you did intentionally, I know you liked it when I wrote you lovely poetry and I'd never stop writing lines for you, you'd just need to stop doing lines, for me. I think you've already realised that, though. It was never even that big a kick, for you. You always knew. And I don't need that security, not now, however I would like to know that there'd be no others, I'm not sure if I'd be asking too much, but I'd be yours and mine only. As long as I knew I had you, and you knew you had me, everything could just be, happy.
Never entirely, we're miles apart, but we're on the same level. I do miss you, you were like an angel sent from heaven. You'd never have let me drown in my own mess, and some people would have just let my blood and tears kill me slowly, you didn't. You stayed there. I still care, I just want you to know that.
You were so good for me, if I'd have just stepped back and looked what I had, maybe I could've appreciated it all for what it was. You're a star, literally, my shining light.
I've cut out the word love now, from everything. I don't need that word so much right now. It's for family and friends, only. They're not words that come lightly. I don't need you any more, but I want you. I want you to want me too, and I don't know how to find out, I can't be as blunt as I used to be, I've grown up so much since I first met you. I'm so much stronger, yet still some times weak. I'll never be perfect, and neither will you. Nobody is, but I'd like to try my best from now on.
And if I could get another chance with you, I wouldn't fuck it up. I'm not her, anymore. I'm just the slightly nervous but very open girl, the one you met that night when I'd had a few to drink. I'm the slightly insecure but not so shy at all girl, the one you first knew. I'm back and I'd like whatever it was we had back, and as much as I'm okay with not needing as much security any more, only I can be yours, I don't like sharing people that way. And I'd be all for you, me and my close family and friends. I promise you, I've run away from that life now.

-5th December 2011

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

There's no excuse but sometimes there is a reason. You've got to learn the differences, and there's a big difference in those two words. People get pissed off when they cannot trust the people in control, that's why other countries have protests, but if the people of England try to protest against what our government is doing, we get beaten down by the police. We have no freedom here. Part of me wants to move away, to a far away place, but this is my home. I shouldn't have to leave to lead a happy free life. There are traffic lights and roundabouts here and some times we just have to get past them. Red, Amber, Green. They're all very important, and I'm on Amber but I've been on Red, danger, danger. I've been on Green, danger, danger. Amber's all we're allowed to be, inbetween. I hate being inbetween, I'd rather be on Green. Go, go get it, whatever it is you want. I don't want any of that shit any more, of that I'm now one hundred percent sure, but there are things I do want, and that's for the help I've got to carry on being given, for charities I care about to be able to stay up and running. Things that have helped me to be able to help others in the future, but as Brian Molko sings "The world is full of clowns with trigger happy hands" and this country is full of clowns with trigger happy hands, and they're ruling this country and ruining it. They're taking away all of our rights, slowly but surely. Some people just won't stand for it. This country has gotten used to sitting back and dealing with all the shit, but the young ones are realising we need to follow in other countries footsteps, ASLTW, it's so true. They'll never listen to you. Or will they? Try again, but this time fight calmly. Don't light fires, don't ruin small businesses, don't burn down houses just fucking fight the bastardly pigs. Leave the good ones alone, you don't know who's bent and who is straight, so if you can't judge the books by the covers, leave them be. You cannot tar a group of people with the same brush, that's why I disagreed with the riots at the time, because I judged them all on the basis of what was on the news, but I now understand because I've seen both sides, I now understand some of them were just trying to get by, and trying to show the leaders of this fucked up country that they need to let us survive. But they didn't see it, did they? Because how many pigs have they arrested? I guess we'll never know, because everyone protects their own.

-5th December 2011

Living Alone With Me

All I want is for someone to be there for me to fall back on, but thus far, nobody has been able to manage coping with me. Often it’s like nobody I know can understand me, mom just doesn't get it. I can see she's trying but it's all hurting her, I'm a hindrance to her. There've been men that have tried but they haven't succeeded. The people who understand the most have themselves to deal with, and there's not always going to be someone there to fall asleep with, I'm not always going to be able to fall asleep soundly. There are always things on my mind, thoughts whirring around. People out there are always pushing me, shoving me. Then I'm left in a corner alone, dark and isolated. Nobody understands me like I do, and so often it seems nobody tries to. Professionals, yes, they do try, eventually, they'll catch up with you, they might just manage to save me from you. Who are you? I don't know but you're fucking evil and I feel so much hatred towards you. I wish you'd leave my life, and just let me survive. It will never be that easy for me, you're always here, whispering in my ear. Doubt, paranoia, anxiety, love, hate. They will never go away. "Stop telling me what to do, stop telling me which route to choose", I want to scream. I can't scream because I love you too much. So again I'll get upset and you'll tell me not to bother. But it's not a choice, you see. This is not who I'm choosing to be. I'm already trying so hard. I'm trying not to hide. And so what if I want to go out and become legless, these are things that everybody can do, I want to do it too. Is that such a crime? I'm doing so much for you, I get out of bed at some stage and I get dressed, I see people and I write. This really isn't me wasting time, I'm trying to take the most from life. I need a home. That's what I don't have, I've had it before, it's lovely, now I'm back on dependancy. I hate life this way, hate seeing you look at me. Because all I see in your eyes is disappointment and sorrow. I feel violated by the reflection of me, it's screaming "Look at me, look at the mess I've become". I wish I could've been a better woman. I wish they could see how hard I'm trying, but they don't understand mental illness, not even I do, why do I feel this way, why do I think these things? Well, I don't know. And maybe it's not important to know. It's hard, that's easy enough to show. Just try, please. All of you, just try a bit harder to see how difficult it can be, living alone with me.

Green Monster

Did I once see that raging,
Green,
Beautiful monster
In you.
I think I may
Be did.
Though I cannot be sure
Of almost anything,
Any more.

That monster looked so beautiful that day,
I knew I had to walk away,
Wasn't sure
If the monster was real
Or if I was imagining it's lovely soft fur.

You are my monster and
I'm not scared at all,
You are my monster,
And for you I'm not really scared to fall.

-1st December 2011, 00:08