Rain, rain, go away,
Come back another day.
You make me miserable, you make me sad,
You make me forget the hope I've had.
Sometimes I think you're perfect,
Lovely to listen to,
Pattering on rooftops.
Today I despise you,
Today you're bad.
Sun, come out to play,
Just make the gloomy days go away.
Friday 30 December 2011
Wednesday 28 December 2011
It Has To Be.
That sick feeling rises higher,
You, I still admire.
It's love and hate,
Together.
But was it love,
Or was it too soon
Did we give it more than it was.
I still get that fluttery feeling in my belly,
When you talk to me,
I still wonder what we could've been.
But it's too late now,
It has to be.
Doesn't it.
It has to be.
You can see.
You, I still admire.
It's love and hate,
Together.
But was it love,
Or was it too soon
Did we give it more than it was.
I still get that fluttery feeling in my belly,
When you talk to me,
I still wonder what we could've been.
But it's too late now,
It has to be.
Doesn't it.
It has to be.
You can see.
The Big Bottomless Pit.
I want to jump in to the pit, let them bury me in it. Fuck the rubble in my brain, let's feel something real again. The wind is howling, it roars at me. Lashes at my cheeks. I step inside, but it is not warm and cosy in here. My stomach feels empty, it tries to tell me to eat but I cannot be bothered with anything. I'm already in the pit, I'm already buried in it. The rubble's being heaped on top of me, and now I can no longer breathe. I'm dying, but it's a slow painful death. Just smile, and laugh. Try to pretend everything's okay, and maybe it will be one day. But I've lost my positive outlook on life lately. I'm admitting defeat, the depression has eaten me up and swallowed me in bits, I'm in pieces. On the floor, crying out for help. Help has come and gone, now you're on your own. In the big bottomless pit. Alone. Go out there and fight for everything, go out there and try to do something. But what do I do? There's nothing I can do. I cannot change the world, I cannot resolve anything that's wrong here. All I can do is hide away, bury my head in shame. I'm just a girl, I can't change the world. I can't change anything. This is the way I am. I'm a ball of darkness, it's buried deep. I cannot change the way I think.
I'm Getting Tired Of The Fight.
I'm so sick of waking,
Sick of the cold, the wind,
The waves of misery
That flood my veins.
I can't see happiness
Ahead of me,
It's all bleak.
I'm so weak.
Worn down,
Torn down,
My feelings of love
Are up in the air,
Everything looks so dim,
Out in the streets it's dark
I can only see specks of light,
I'm getting tired of the fight.
-28th December 2011
Sick of the cold, the wind,
The waves of misery
That flood my veins.
I can't see happiness
Ahead of me,
It's all bleak.
I'm so weak.
Worn down,
Torn down,
My feelings of love
Are up in the air,
Everything looks so dim,
Out in the streets it's dark
I can only see specks of light,
I'm getting tired of the fight.
-28th December 2011
You Cannot Take It All Away From Me.
You cannot take it all away from me. Take what is yours, rightfully. Take what you bought, for me. But you can’t take reality away. Those few weeks, that was heaven for me. Then I slumped back down, crashed and burned. Like an angel, I was falling.
You wanted your gems more than you wanted us to be, I guess you could say the same for me. Yet the reality is that we both played our parts in throwing that love away. Now it is gone, I see more clearly. We could have worked out, eventually. It was always going to be a rollercoaster with you, not one of the little caterpillars either. No, this was the scariest most sickening ride I had ever seen. Brand new. We were the first to test it, and we should have read the warning signs.
Signposted everywhere in bold, bright red lettering, “Love hurts”, “It won’t work” – we just drove right past them. Fuck the law, we thought. It will catch up, eventually. You cannot run away from it forever. Somebody will be sitting, waiting. You’ll have fines to pay. Maybe your fine will be your life, one day. That would take both our lives. It got to the stage where I began to think I couldn’t live without you. I toughened up and walked away. Turned you in, that’s what I did. What I tried to do, but they turned you away, too.
So it’s up to you, now. Only you can choose. There are so many lanes, flyovers, bridges. So much still needs building. Start up from scratch, fuck it all off, push it away. Just make the decision - the decision to start over from today.
Go travel the globe, get a job, start a course, just enjoy being, learn to love learning. Life lessons – they are hard to get some times, but you know all the way through. They are there. You have to decide, whether to hear them, but too often, we ignore them.
Go travel the globe, get a job, start a course, just enjoy being, learn to love learning. Life lessons – they are hard to get some times, but you know all the way through. They are there. You have to decide, whether to hear them, but too often, we ignore them.
I have opened my eyes, I’ve begun to listen, realized rules are there for a reason. I am certain I’ll still break some, my heart’s open. That is almost impossible to change, but I will try my hardest. Learning to love me more, that’s my mission. I can’t expect anybody else to understand if I don’t even get it myself, so I’m trying.
Hiding, I’m done with. This is me, I’m here for the taking. Yet you cannot have all of me, because I’m nobody’s. I am mine, I’m me, and that’s who I always intend to be. My problem is attention deficiency.
Hiding, I’m done with. This is me, I’m here for the taking. Yet you cannot have all of me, because I’m nobody’s. I am mine, I’m me, and that’s who I always intend to be. My problem is attention deficiency.
So I’m gone, and I do apologise, most sincerely. I just hope you learnt something from me. You can’t take my life from me. You can set a bomb off in front of me, but I will run away from it. I do not stick around when things get scary. There’s only so much danger one can take. I gave my heart, on a plate.
“Einmal ist Keinmal” – that’s the lesson I have learnt. That and self-admiration. Following through with aspirations. You’ll see me again and I will be exactly where I always wanted to be.
-22nd November 2011
Are You Afraid Of Love?
Goodbyes don't come easy to me,
And we never even got to say that properly,
The love I felt for you simply had to end,
This I cannot comprehend.
There are many miles between us,
But absence makes the heart grow fonder,
Perhaps it's true,
I still feel what I always felt for you.
Maybe I laid myself bare and open,
Too quickly,
Maybe my mistake was giving you too much,
Too quickly.
All I know is I'd love for us to give it a go,
Yet I'm aware,
You don't see me as the one for you.
I admire you,
But it seems you've forgotten me.
I came in to your life broken,
And you had your arms wide open
But I didn't fix myself quickly enough,
And so I had to go,
Back home,
Out back in to the world alone.
Now I'm getting better,
But I won't forget you, ever.
I wish you still had your arms wide open,
It seems that now, you are more guarded.
Are you afraid of love?
Because I am too
But I don't want to give up the love
I feel for you.
-21st December 2011
And we never even got to say that properly,
The love I felt for you simply had to end,
This I cannot comprehend.
There are many miles between us,
But absence makes the heart grow fonder,
Perhaps it's true,
I still feel what I always felt for you.
Maybe I laid myself bare and open,
Too quickly,
Maybe my mistake was giving you too much,
Too quickly.
All I know is I'd love for us to give it a go,
Yet I'm aware,
You don't see me as the one for you.
I admire you,
But it seems you've forgotten me.
I came in to your life broken,
And you had your arms wide open
But I didn't fix myself quickly enough,
And so I had to go,
Back home,
Out back in to the world alone.
Now I'm getting better,
But I won't forget you, ever.
I wish you still had your arms wide open,
It seems that now, you are more guarded.
Are you afraid of love?
Because I am too
But I don't want to give up the love
I feel for you.
-21st December 2011
There's No Robin Hood Any More.
The rich don't seem to care for the poor,
There's no robin hood any more.
They sit on their thrones,
They allowed them their loans.
They talk of profits,
Numbers, calculations,
The weather forecast is grey,
It's all grey today.
I wish the waste of this country would sail away,
But it seems it's here to stay.
The wind blew your cigarette away,
Now the council are going to make you pay.
There's no money,
The bills will have to be paid another day,
They soar,
But they never fly off in to the night,
The poor just have to fight and fight
To get through life.
I feel the wind blowing, rough on my cheeks,
I sighed, looked down at my feet
They have their maids,
We have nothing.
This country will never change,
The constant worry will never fade.
-21st December 2011
There's no robin hood any more.
They sit on their thrones,
They allowed them their loans.
They talk of profits,
Numbers, calculations,
The weather forecast is grey,
It's all grey today.
I wish the waste of this country would sail away,
But it seems it's here to stay.
The wind blew your cigarette away,
Now the council are going to make you pay.
There's no money,
The bills will have to be paid another day,
They soar,
But they never fly off in to the night,
The poor just have to fight and fight
To get through life.
I feel the wind blowing, rough on my cheeks,
I sighed, looked down at my feet
They have their maids,
We have nothing.
This country will never change,
The constant worry will never fade.
-21st December 2011
Lost Loves Filling Up My Head
I felt so much love for you,
But we moved so fast,
It simply wasn't meant to last.
The arguments told me we couldn't go on,
To me it was apparent that for each other we were wrong.
I'd gone back to him,
In my mind and my heart,
With him I was taken up
But he doesn't want me now,
I'm not sure he ever did.
The feelings I have for him won't ever go away,
There'll always be a part of me that longs for those days,
But I don't even know who he is any more.
I met another him,
Someone new, so refreshing,
Are new starts,
But I gave him too much of my heart,
He couldn't accept my love
And I don't understand why,
I do still long for him at night,
In his arms everything felt so right.
But I couldn't wait,
Too scared to be alone,
So again, I moved on,
And again, I gave too much of myself away,
That was a rushed, sudden, overwhelming love,
It was too much, in the end,
And I had to walk away then
For my heart's sake.
So now I'm alone,
And I'm trying to learn life without love
But I think it's too much.
At night, it's so hard to sleep,
I miss those times,
Watching comedy together,
Smoking in bed.
I miss it all,
I miss feeling like I belonged,
That's how I felt when I found your arms.
There are so many lost loves filling up my head,
It's you I keep coming back to now, though,
I feel so terrible, I fucked up so badly
And we never really got to give it a go,
I miss you so.
-20th December 2011
But we moved so fast,
It simply wasn't meant to last.
The arguments told me we couldn't go on,
To me it was apparent that for each other we were wrong.
I'd gone back to him,
In my mind and my heart,
With him I was taken up
But he doesn't want me now,
I'm not sure he ever did.
The feelings I have for him won't ever go away,
There'll always be a part of me that longs for those days,
But I don't even know who he is any more.
I met another him,
Someone new, so refreshing,
Are new starts,
But I gave him too much of my heart,
He couldn't accept my love
And I don't understand why,
I do still long for him at night,
In his arms everything felt so right.
But I couldn't wait,
Too scared to be alone,
So again, I moved on,
And again, I gave too much of myself away,
That was a rushed, sudden, overwhelming love,
It was too much, in the end,
And I had to walk away then
For my heart's sake.
So now I'm alone,
And I'm trying to learn life without love
But I think it's too much.
At night, it's so hard to sleep,
I miss those times,
Watching comedy together,
Smoking in bed.
I miss it all,
I miss feeling like I belonged,
That's how I felt when I found your arms.
There are so many lost loves filling up my head,
It's you I keep coming back to now, though,
I feel so terrible, I fucked up so badly
And we never really got to give it a go,
I miss you so.
-20th December 2011
Tuesday 20 December 2011
There's Still Light
I love the intricacy of this town, it's so old and houses so much history. With it's cobbled streets, the old ruins of the Abbey and the picturesque little houses on the hills, looking out through the keyhole, I truly see how beautiful this place is. We walk the pier and take photographs, in years to come we'll look back on them. The memories are in our minds but photographs stay forever, one day I hope to show them to my grandchildren and tell them of days like this. Tell them how we climbed the steps, leaving nana at the bottom, then sat in a cosy little cafe with hot drinks and chocolate coated flapjacks. Bring them here, on a cold winters day, wrapped up in so many layers, but embracing the day - not the traffic jams nor the rain will defeat us, we will have our day out. The fresh sea air is so revitalising, chilling, to the core, but you want it all the more. A breath of fresh air - literally, watching the waves crash around underneath the wooden slats on the pier, feeling like you're moving with them, it's a good feeling. Not much can beat it. I picked up a postcard in a shop full of wonderful things, and the quote upon it brings hope in to my life - "The point of life is life" (Goethe). Starting living for today, reminisce about days gone by, sure, enjoy memories of good times, but try your best to leave them behind. Life is love, and love is the future, everything it holds in store for you. And it's okay to wonder what tomorrow brings, but you don't need to plan so far ahead as next year. Whatever life brings will come. You just have to fight through the bad, and get to the good. Even when it really is all grey and foggy, there's still light, the world still turns.
Los Campesinos speak the truth - The sea is a good place to think of the future.
Los Campesinos speak the truth - The sea is a good place to think of the future.
Thursday 15 December 2011
I Will Be There, And I Will Care.
I don't want to call anyone a lost cause,
It may seem like I have given up on you,
But that is not the case,
I just know I need to learn
To love myself
Before I can really expect to be loved
By anyone else.
That includes you,
I need to learn to love me more,
I have to explore
Yet I've never said
"I don't have time for you"
I do,
I have time for you,
I'll listen
And I'll care,
I haven't forgotten you,
I never will,
As I see it
We just need to spend more time on ourselves,
Instead of putting all our energies
In to one another
But I will be there,
And I will care,
I'll never stop being your friend,
You're always welcome in to my life.
-14th December 2011
It may seem like I have given up on you,
But that is not the case,
I just know I need to learn
To love myself
Before I can really expect to be loved
By anyone else.
That includes you,
I need to learn to love me more,
I have to explore
Yet I've never said
"I don't have time for you"
I do,
I have time for you,
I'll listen
And I'll care,
I haven't forgotten you,
I never will,
As I see it
We just need to spend more time on ourselves,
Instead of putting all our energies
In to one another
But I will be there,
And I will care,
I'll never stop being your friend,
You're always welcome in to my life.
-14th December 2011
Y.
"What is unique about the 'I' hides itself in what is unimaginable about a person", you have to peel off the skin, peel back the layers, like a banana, an onion. To get to the heart of things we have to take off layers. If the task at hand is getting to know somebody, questions will have to be asked. For me, you have to forget bland and boring, add taste, texture, colour - feeling. No "what's your favourite colour" - that's mundane shit, more "what's your favourite thing to wear", "why are you here?". Here being anywhere, the place you are in, the time scale, mindset. Why's are important and there's a "why" in everything.
-14th December 2011
-14th December 2011
Ticked Box.
I don't want you to just be a chapter,
I'd rather you be part of the whole book.
I don't want you to just have been a phase,
I'd rather you be a big river than just a small lake.
You're like a maze, and you amaze me,
I don't ever want to find the way out,
But that's not such a bad thing.
I don't need you to be there constantly, for me to lean on,
But I'd like you to be there along the way,
Every now and then.
I'm never going to grow out of you,
You're not one of those books that I'd pick up,
Read a few lines of and decide that I can't get on with.
You're a work in progress,
And I'd like to keep reading as the story gets updated.
Please don't ever leave me out of your proof-reading list,
Don't let me be just a box that's already been ticked.
- 14th December 2011
I'd rather you be part of the whole book.
I don't want you to just have been a phase,
I'd rather you be a big river than just a small lake.
You're like a maze, and you amaze me,
I don't ever want to find the way out,
But that's not such a bad thing.
I don't need you to be there constantly, for me to lean on,
But I'd like you to be there along the way,
Every now and then.
I'm never going to grow out of you,
You're not one of those books that I'd pick up,
Read a few lines of and decide that I can't get on with.
You're a work in progress,
And I'd like to keep reading as the story gets updated.
Please don't ever leave me out of your proof-reading list,
Don't let me be just a box that's already been ticked.
- 14th December 2011
Find Our Way Back Home.
The three of us, mother, dad and I* were walking along, in the bright sun, on a dry day. We were on a long stretch of road, completely lost, in the middle of nowhere. In a foreign country, where we knew no language to speak and our way back to the hotel - well we couldn't find it, nor the words to ask a passer by. We all started to panic, mom started to whine at dad, he got angry and threw his sunglasses, shouting obscenities at the humid heat. Then we saw a pretty bird in a tree, and forgot everything. The tree was tropical, something that would only survive in a hot country. And the bird was beautiful, blues, reds and yellows, I think there was some green too. We all stared at the bird, searched for words to describe it's beauty, but there were none. Somehow it gave us hope, dad stopped shouting, mom stopped whining - and suddenly this walk wasn't boring. It didn't matter that we were lost in that moment, all that mattered was that everything was beautiful once again, and we all knew we'd find our way back home.
-14th December 2011
*Random line of a book I need to find out the name of...
-14th December 2011
*Random line of a book I need to find out the name of...
Delicate Skin And Bones.
I see your tiny hands, fingers, delicate skin and bones. I want to hold you close and cuddle you in and never let go. I love your little smile, your laugh and the way you try to say my name. I try to help you grow, hold your hands and help you walk, speak to you and help you talk. I remember when you first came in to the world and you got here just in time, before I went away. You don't know how special that was, for me. It was like a sign, that you had heard my pleas. You are like a little miracle, so sweet. I wonder who you're going to be when you grow up, I know you're going to be a star. You'll stand out from the rest, not even the moon could outshine you. Nor the sun. There is only you and one other who can make me feel this way, you and her, together, you ease the pain away.
-14th December 2011
-14th December 2011
Nine Lives.
Chances, how many do we get? If I was a cat, I don't think I'd have any lives left. I've died over and over again. And they don't see, see how much this disease hurts me. People with physical illnesses, they get help, they get sympathy. And I'm not asking for everybody or anybody to pander to my every need, just for people to show me a little more love and a little less hatred. Because I'm trying my hardest. But they don't care, apparently now I'm on this end of the scale it's all okay now. Apparently I'm expected to go out and get on with everything, it's not always so easy. I know that other people suffer too, and I know that so many people have it worse than I do, but that doesn't take it away, it doesn't make anything better at all. If anything it just makes me feel a whole lot worse. More people suffer and more people cry, how many people get to go to sleep soundly and happily at night? Not I.
-8th December 2011
-8th December 2011
Monday 12 December 2011
A Big Black Hole
Today all I see is a big black hole. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, I don't know where I am going. It's cold outside, cold inside too, so I wrap up in my duvet all cosy and drift off in to dream land, where everything's fine. Nothing can get to me in sleep, I hide away from life and reality. Get up, you can't spend all day in dreams, you've got a life to live. I don't want to wake. I drag myself from my slumber, roll a cigarette, go out in to the cold and listen to the rain pattering down. Turn the heating dial, let's get some warmth in here. Turn on the lights, don't let darkness in. The dark is never ending. Press play, listen to music, soothing lyrics. I'm not the only one who has felt this way, the music tells me. It's not all going to end today, you've just got to pursue your dreams and not let life bring you down. That's the message I'm getting, I just don't know how they all get by. Today I want to sleep forever, and I will. I'll face reality tomorrow, I promise you. Today I'm going to live in my world of lyrics, sweet voices and instruments, sleep and dreams. I just cannot face the world today, and I'm not even sorry. I've been trying so hard, but today it's got to me, let's see what tomorrow brings. I have my doubts of it bringing good things.
-12th December 2011
-12th December 2011
Saturday 10 December 2011
There's No Need For Darkness Any More.
I think we should all admit that love is the be all and end all. It's all that really matters. It's why we were put on earth. Love is what inspires my lines of poetry, life inspires me too. But life is one giant quest for love, "longing for the halves of ourselves we have lost", we can't be truly happy alone. We get lonely, tired and weak. There is a darkness all around without love, we have to build up walls, protect ourselves from the world. But none of us can fight the world alone, we need company. And I long to be in your company, to rest in your arms. So much in life matters, but once you find love that's true, there's nothing else left to do. You just get by, leaning on one another. You've found your light, there's no need for darkness any more.
-10th December 2011
-10th December 2011
Sap!
I still care about you, so much so. It really hurts to think I may have to let go. I don't know how to say all the things I want to say to you, so I write these lines instead. Life can be inspiring, but what is more inspiring than love? I don't see anything that is. Every day I try to write something of substance, writing eases the pain, but it cannot ever really heal a heart break. I read, and I listen to music, a lot. But I find you staring back at me, with your beauty astounding me. You are in every page, of any book I pick up, you are a main character in everything I see, you are every leaf of my notepads, you are the ink in my pen. You're the music to my lyrics, the speakers to my songs. You are my inspiration for every thing I write, you, I let come inside. From you I would never hide. I don't know what I was doing, messing around with other guys, I thought I'd fallen in love, but I see that for what it really was now. I needed someone to need me, I was too needy. I'm past that now. I want you to want me, but I'll love you no less, if you tell me "it's for the best". Love is uncontrollable, it's true. And I can finally say, now I'm well and clean, this really is love that I feel. The purest love I ever felt. I love you, alone, nobody else. Yet I don't need you, I want you. If you don't want me, it's fine, I'll go, or I'll stay, at a distance. For myself, I wish for you. Above everything else, I wish for happiness to be bestowed upon you. You're so special, honestly, I'd do anything for you. For you are the reflection I see everywhere. I could almost call you a ghost, but ghosts no longer live, and in my mind, you are so alive. You inspire me to survive.
-9th December 2011
-9th December 2011
Thursday 8 December 2011
London
I miss you, big city, bright lights. I miss you, and the people you house. You became my home, my safe haven, then you threw me out. All I wanted was to be happy with you, my friend, my foe. There's always something to do, in you. Buzzing streets, busy nights, so many people around to see the sights. Your river, so pretty to sit by, the big green space I grew to adore, your kooky little shops and even your big chain stores, I love you, and I miss you, terribly. I wish I could call you home again, but it's not to be this time. I need a little more time. Once I'm settled, I can justify being unsettled here. It's not you, and I really didn't get to know you quite as well as I would've liked. I'll be back, for sure. You are my shore, the place I feel happiest. I can wander round your streets and marvel at your beauty. I'll be back to see you soon, and I hope I'll be back to stay, one day.
-8th December 2011
-8th December 2011
My Biggest Weakness
Every piece of music reminds me of you, every lyric sends signals to my heart and it quivers, remembering you, once again. Every page of every book, every time I see people all loved up. I'm definitely still ill, I'm sick with missing you. And I don't know if we'll ever get what we had back. The thought of never touching you again, tenderly kissing you on the forehead, never feeling your lips brush mine, it kills me inside. I don't know what this is, in the past I named it love, and it could be. I don't want to say those words, I think they're too much right now. They were too much for you to take, maybe it was just all too soon. But do we get another shot? I'll take it slow this time around, I'll do it all properly. Learn more about you as time goes by, write you poetry and stories with happy endings. You are the one I want to hand me over to, I'm mine first and foremost, and I'm building myself back up, I'm becoming stronger all the time. I try my best not to give in to the weakness too much. But you, you are my biggest weakness, and you're there all the time. You're there in my mind, but you're not here. You're out there somewhere and it's been a while since I heard from you last. If it's all over, that's okay. I want you to be happy, regardless of how I feel. I'd give it all up for you. And I guess I could move on, I can be that strong. I just don't want to move on from you, because the feeling I get when I'm around you, when I see your smile, see you undress... everything about you just takes my breath.
-8th December 2011
-8th December 2011
The Shark's Jaws.
I love the sound of pattering rain,
Almost as much as the sound of your name.
I am an island,
But not every man is,
I think we could create a new one,
Together,
Build an empire,
But you won't fly away with me,
Of that I'm sure.
You could be my jellyfish,
All bright and happy and free,
It's you I want to see.
I'm just not so sure you want to see me.
You are the shark's jaws,
And I am your human meat,
But will you want me to eat?
I'll be there for you,
No matter what mountains we have to get through
I just don't know if you're willing to walk the mountains with me.
I'll be your robin,
And you be my red chest,
Robins are beautiful,
Yet they're not at all as beautiful as you.
I'll be your tree, full of pretty autumn leaves,
I'll write you love poetry daily,
On paper trees,
But will you build a lovely forest with me,
Please?
-7th December 2011
Almost as much as the sound of your name.
I am an island,
But not every man is,
I think we could create a new one,
Together,
Build an empire,
But you won't fly away with me,
Of that I'm sure.
You could be my jellyfish,
All bright and happy and free,
It's you I want to see.
I'm just not so sure you want to see me.
You are the shark's jaws,
And I am your human meat,
But will you want me to eat?
I'll be there for you,
No matter what mountains we have to get through
I just don't know if you're willing to walk the mountains with me.
I'll be your robin,
And you be my red chest,
Robins are beautiful,
Yet they're not at all as beautiful as you.
I'll be your tree, full of pretty autumn leaves,
I'll write you love poetry daily,
On paper trees,
But will you build a lovely forest with me,
Please?
-7th December 2011
London Underground
So many stairs,
And escalators,
Everybody's rushing,
Nobody takes their time here,
Sometimes I like the fast pace,
Sometimes I'd like it to slow down,
London Underground
I do love thou,
Even with your
Shouts of
"Mind the gap"
Even with your
Stink of piss and sweaty armpits,
You get me where I need to be,
And you get me there fast.
-7th December 2011
And escalators,
Everybody's rushing,
Nobody takes their time here,
Sometimes I like the fast pace,
Sometimes I'd like it to slow down,
London Underground
I do love thou,
Even with your
Shouts of
"Mind the gap"
Even with your
Stink of piss and sweaty armpits,
You get me where I need to be,
And you get me there fast.
-7th December 2011
A sea of rainbow tents.
I'm breathing underwater! How I hear you ask, well I'm on a train, we're going pretty fast. The water is gushing all around but I'm not scared. We're safe, we're safe in here. Then we see the light at the end of the tunnel, and all of a sudden everyone is standing. It's time to leave, but our journey is just beginning. On to the next train, I like it here. Phone network's changed. Everything's changing. Big pretty buildings, old little towns, awesome graffiti on the walls. We're getting tired of travelling now. It's nearly over, we've reached our destination. Men pissing, people everywhere. Balloons in the sky, food stalls outside family homes. A sea of rainbow tents. We found our friends, we hand our tickets over and we're in. It's so cool here, so much better than anything England could do. If I had to choose, I'd stay here forever. Drinking mojitos, paid for with tokens. Listening to the sweet voices sing and the instruments playing. I have my wristband on, I've found heaven, on earth. Oh please, let me stay forever.
-7th December 2011
-7th December 2011
Tuesday 6 December 2011
Cigarettes and coffee stains.
I still have some of my old vices - cigarettes and coffee stains, rain drops on the rooftops and window panes. But I lost a great vice; your words, your smile, the laughter in your eyes. I lost you because I was still using that ridiculous drug, and it was messing me up. I didn't see it then, but I see it now and I'm sure, I won't be going near it any more. I just can't help but think I've messed up any chance we had, and the thought of that is quite sad. I don't know if you'd give me another chance or not. I'm not sure how much hope I've got. Me and you is something I really like the idea of, nobody else. I'm honestly not over you, if you feel the same, show me how. Give me a sign that this could work out.
-6th December 2011
-6th December 2011
The Big Green Grass
I'm not going back to that fairytale life, I'm not going to live a lie. It's like a dream, so obviously unreal. It can make life so full of sorrow, when you come crashing back down. We cannot live our lives that way. Anger, frustration, paranoia - especially. They're illegal for a reason.
I've had a reminder of why I ran away from the story book, I don't want to go back. It changes me, I've already changed from who I used to be and that's okay. Forgiven, but not forgotten. They're all well aware you could fall back down the wishing well, they all know if you do you'll end up in hell. I'm one of them. Now, it's about moving on, never forgetting the help you have got.
I was walking through the big green grass, forgetting to observe or observing too much. I was in my own little world but it was like being trapped in a snowglobe. Then someone found my diary, and they reached out deep in to the pages and the poetry and found the real me. He picked up my snowglobe and smashed it in to pieces, they helped him. Water was gushing everywhere, snow flakes all over the floor and me, laying, broken bones. I thought he was going to leave me there, but he picked me up, dusted me down and threw me to the clowns.
It was scary, and I've never had a fear of clowns until that time. I'd escaped from my magic world, could roam the world on my own again. It wasn't that easy for me, fear was everywhere. Then I began to see, the clowns weren't out to get me, they were here to help look out for my safety. They cocooned me, I was like a baby tamarind ball. About to ripen. I'd escaped my cage, I was free.
Oh no, it wasn't to be. They built a new globe for me, this one was full of waterslides and rapids, I began to quite like it. They even threw me some company in, it was a safe haven, hopeless, yet hopeful, somehow. There's always a way to get out. Besides, in my new globe, there were still clowns around. They decided to eventually knock the walls down.
I get scared when there are no walls around, nothing there to protect me from even me. But I did it, I ran free. Then I roamed too far, and I ended up back in the pages with the big green grass and the pretty coloured waterfalls, and I had to come crashing back.
I landed with a bang, had a headache then. I learnt that I don't need to hide from reality, because it's not so bad. I just have to think of all the help I've had and give something back.
-4th December 2011
I've had a reminder of why I ran away from the story book, I don't want to go back. It changes me, I've already changed from who I used to be and that's okay. Forgiven, but not forgotten. They're all well aware you could fall back down the wishing well, they all know if you do you'll end up in hell. I'm one of them. Now, it's about moving on, never forgetting the help you have got.
I was walking through the big green grass, forgetting to observe or observing too much. I was in my own little world but it was like being trapped in a snowglobe. Then someone found my diary, and they reached out deep in to the pages and the poetry and found the real me. He picked up my snowglobe and smashed it in to pieces, they helped him. Water was gushing everywhere, snow flakes all over the floor and me, laying, broken bones. I thought he was going to leave me there, but he picked me up, dusted me down and threw me to the clowns.
It was scary, and I've never had a fear of clowns until that time. I'd escaped from my magic world, could roam the world on my own again. It wasn't that easy for me, fear was everywhere. Then I began to see, the clowns weren't out to get me, they were here to help look out for my safety. They cocooned me, I was like a baby tamarind ball. About to ripen. I'd escaped my cage, I was free.
Oh no, it wasn't to be. They built a new globe for me, this one was full of waterslides and rapids, I began to quite like it. They even threw me some company in, it was a safe haven, hopeless, yet hopeful, somehow. There's always a way to get out. Besides, in my new globe, there were still clowns around. They decided to eventually knock the walls down.
I get scared when there are no walls around, nothing there to protect me from even me. But I did it, I ran free. Then I roamed too far, and I ended up back in the pages with the big green grass and the pretty coloured waterfalls, and I had to come crashing back.
I landed with a bang, had a headache then. I learnt that I don't need to hide from reality, because it's not so bad. I just have to think of all the help I've had and give something back.
-4th December 2011
Nasty Girl.
I let the hot water drown my skin, rub in the soap, wash out his touch. Dirt cheap, nasty girl. I cocoon myself, in my bath towel, stand there, dripping, shivering, in the steam. Regrets aren't me, but last night just might be an exception. I can't pretend any more. I can't pretend that doing those things is okay. Paranoia, confusion, babble. I do it enough, anyway. I didn't need to touch that junk. Why I went back on my word, I'm not sure. I know what it does, I've been what it did. And I don't want to be the girl who wakes up dreading remembering, wondering what's waiting on the other side of the duvet. I really don't want to be this girl any more.
-4th December 2011
-4th December 2011
Melt My Ice Cream.
I'm cutting out the word 'love' from my vocabulary, advice I decided was good, because I love too much. I let it take over me. Like a drug. An illegal, class A one. Danger, danger. There are red and blue flashing lights, sirens, the burglar alarm is going off. Constantly. They've all burgled me. They took pieces of me, my heart, memories. I can't get all of the pieces back, so I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if I could ever be enough for you. Future, I'm not sure I have time for you. Past and present is currently all I can do. Worry, it's what I do. Day, in, day, out. I've been fucked around, but I've done some fucking around too. I use men as my shoulders, my pillows. I'm too old to have a pacifier so instead I like to have human heat, skin on skin, cuddles, and kisses and such. But love means so much to me, and I think I'm already in it. Today everything is blissful, I'm happy with the place I'm in. Watch out for tomorrow, the sunshine may have melted my ice cream by then.
-3rd December 2011
-3rd December 2011
Playing With Fire
I'm a mess inside,
My head's a traffic jam of men,
I don't want you to be one of the cars,
Not unless you're going to be my beetle,
But I love beetles,
And I'm trying to cut out love from my life.
I don't have time for love
Because it takes over me.
But they've already taken over,
I like you.
And I want that to be enough,
I'm too guarded,
I'll cut you off,
You'll have to try really hard,
And I don't want to make it too hard,
But it could be,
If you start playing with fire,
If you start playing with me,
Things could get messy.
-3rd December 2011
My head's a traffic jam of men,
I don't want you to be one of the cars,
Not unless you're going to be my beetle,
But I love beetles,
And I'm trying to cut out love from my life.
I don't have time for love
Because it takes over me.
But they've already taken over,
I like you.
And I want that to be enough,
I'm too guarded,
I'll cut you off,
You'll have to try really hard,
And I don't want to make it too hard,
But it could be,
If you start playing with fire,
If you start playing with me,
Things could get messy.
-3rd December 2011
My Shining Light
Thinking of you is killing me, I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. Still, you never let me go, you never let me leave you completely. I don't know what you did intentionally, I know you liked it when I wrote you lovely poetry and I'd never stop writing lines for you, you'd just need to stop doing lines, for me. I think you've already realised that, though. It was never even that big a kick, for you. You always knew. And I don't need that security, not now, however I would like to know that there'd be no others, I'm not sure if I'd be asking too much, but I'd be yours and mine only. As long as I knew I had you, and you knew you had me, everything could just be, happy.
Never entirely, we're miles apart, but we're on the same level. I do miss you, you were like an angel sent from heaven. You'd never have let me drown in my own mess, and some people would have just let my blood and tears kill me slowly, you didn't. You stayed there. I still care, I just want you to know that.
You were so good for me, if I'd have just stepped back and looked what I had, maybe I could've appreciated it all for what it was. You're a star, literally, my shining light.
I've cut out the word love now, from everything. I don't need that word so much right now. It's for family and friends, only. They're not words that come lightly. I don't need you any more, but I want you. I want you to want me too, and I don't know how to find out, I can't be as blunt as I used to be, I've grown up so much since I first met you. I'm so much stronger, yet still some times weak. I'll never be perfect, and neither will you. Nobody is, but I'd like to try my best from now on.
And if I could get another chance with you, I wouldn't fuck it up. I'm not her, anymore. I'm just the slightly nervous but very open girl, the one you met that night when I'd had a few to drink. I'm the slightly insecure but not so shy at all girl, the one you first knew. I'm back and I'd like whatever it was we had back, and as much as I'm okay with not needing as much security any more, only I can be yours, I don't like sharing people that way. And I'd be all for you, me and my close family and friends. I promise you, I've run away from that life now.
-5th December 2011
Never entirely, we're miles apart, but we're on the same level. I do miss you, you were like an angel sent from heaven. You'd never have let me drown in my own mess, and some people would have just let my blood and tears kill me slowly, you didn't. You stayed there. I still care, I just want you to know that.
You were so good for me, if I'd have just stepped back and looked what I had, maybe I could've appreciated it all for what it was. You're a star, literally, my shining light.
I've cut out the word love now, from everything. I don't need that word so much right now. It's for family and friends, only. They're not words that come lightly. I don't need you any more, but I want you. I want you to want me too, and I don't know how to find out, I can't be as blunt as I used to be, I've grown up so much since I first met you. I'm so much stronger, yet still some times weak. I'll never be perfect, and neither will you. Nobody is, but I'd like to try my best from now on.
And if I could get another chance with you, I wouldn't fuck it up. I'm not her, anymore. I'm just the slightly nervous but very open girl, the one you met that night when I'd had a few to drink. I'm the slightly insecure but not so shy at all girl, the one you first knew. I'm back and I'd like whatever it was we had back, and as much as I'm okay with not needing as much security any more, only I can be yours, I don't like sharing people that way. And I'd be all for you, me and my close family and friends. I promise you, I've run away from that life now.
-5th December 2011
Monday 5 December 2011
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
There's no excuse but sometimes there is a reason. You've got to learn the differences, and there's a big difference in those two words. People get pissed off when they cannot trust the people in control, that's why other countries have protests, but if the people of England try to protest against what our government is doing, we get beaten down by the police. We have no freedom here. Part of me wants to move away, to a far away place, but this is my home. I shouldn't have to leave to lead a happy free life. There are traffic lights and roundabouts here and some times we just have to get past them. Red, Amber, Green. They're all very important, and I'm on Amber but I've been on Red, danger, danger. I've been on Green, danger, danger. Amber's all we're allowed to be, inbetween. I hate being inbetween, I'd rather be on Green. Go, go get it, whatever it is you want. I don't want any of that shit any more, of that I'm now one hundred percent sure, but there are things I do want, and that's for the help I've got to carry on being given, for charities I care about to be able to stay up and running. Things that have helped me to be able to help others in the future, but as Brian Molko sings "The world is full of clowns with trigger happy hands" and this country is full of clowns with trigger happy hands, and they're ruling this country and ruining it. They're taking away all of our rights, slowly but surely. Some people just won't stand for it. This country has gotten used to sitting back and dealing with all the shit, but the young ones are realising we need to follow in other countries footsteps, ASLTW, it's so true. They'll never listen to you. Or will they? Try again, but this time fight calmly. Don't light fires, don't ruin small businesses, don't burn down houses just fucking fight the bastardly pigs. Leave the good ones alone, you don't know who's bent and who is straight, so if you can't judge the books by the covers, leave them be. You cannot tar a group of people with the same brush, that's why I disagreed with the riots at the time, because I judged them all on the basis of what was on the news, but I now understand because I've seen both sides, I now understand some of them were just trying to get by, and trying to show the leaders of this fucked up country that they need to let us survive. But they didn't see it, did they? Because how many pigs have they arrested? I guess we'll never know, because everyone protects their own.
-5th December 2011
-5th December 2011
Thursday 1 December 2011
Living Alone With Me
All I want is for someone to be there for me to fall back on, but thus far, nobody has been able to manage coping with me. Often it’s like nobody I know can understand me, mom just doesn't get it. I can see she's trying but it's all hurting her, I'm a hindrance to her. There've been men that have tried but they haven't succeeded. The people who understand the most have themselves to deal with, and there's not always going to be someone there to fall asleep with, I'm not always going to be able to fall asleep soundly. There are always things on my mind, thoughts whirring around. People out there are always pushing me, shoving me. Then I'm left in a corner alone, dark and isolated. Nobody understands me like I do, and so often it seems nobody tries to. Professionals, yes, they do try, eventually, they'll catch up with you, they might just manage to save me from you. Who are you? I don't know but you're fucking evil and I feel so much hatred towards you. I wish you'd leave my life, and just let me survive. It will never be that easy for me, you're always here, whispering in my ear. Doubt, paranoia, anxiety, love, hate. They will never go away. "Stop telling me what to do, stop telling me which route to choose", I want to scream. I can't scream because I love you too much. So again I'll get upset and you'll tell me not to bother. But it's not a choice, you see. This is not who I'm choosing to be. I'm already trying so hard. I'm trying not to hide. And so what if I want to go out and become legless, these are things that everybody can do, I want to do it too. Is that such a crime? I'm doing so much for you, I get out of bed at some stage and I get dressed, I see people and I write. This really isn't me wasting time, I'm trying to take the most from life. I need a home. That's what I don't have, I've had it before, it's lovely, now I'm back on dependancy. I hate life this way, hate seeing you look at me. Because all I see in your eyes is disappointment and sorrow. I feel violated by the reflection of me, it's screaming "Look at me, look at the mess I've become". I wish I could've been a better woman. I wish they could see how hard I'm trying, but they don't understand mental illness, not even I do, why do I feel this way, why do I think these things? Well, I don't know. And maybe it's not important to know. It's hard, that's easy enough to show. Just try, please. All of you, just try a bit harder to see how difficult it can be, living alone with me.
Green Monster
Did I once see that raging,
Green,
Beautiful monster
In you.
I think I may
Be did.
Though I cannot be sure
Of almost anything,
Any more.
That monster looked so beautiful that day,
I knew I had to walk away,
Wasn't sure
If the monster was real
Or if I was imagining it's lovely soft fur.
You are my monster and
I'm not scared at all,
You are my monster,
And for you I'm not really scared to fall.
-1st December 2011, 00:08
Green,
Beautiful monster
In you.
I think I may
Be did.
Though I cannot be sure
Of almost anything,
Any more.
That monster looked so beautiful that day,
I knew I had to walk away,
Wasn't sure
If the monster was real
Or if I was imagining it's lovely soft fur.
You are my monster and
I'm not scared at all,
You are my monster,
And for you I'm not really scared to fall.
-1st December 2011, 00:08
Wednesday 30 November 2011
Hush My Darling
I think I know you rather well, and I could be wrong but I've judged you to hell. Now you can tell me I'm wrong and maybe I'll see it, but I know the difference between truths and lies and pretense and real smiles. You're a solitary man, so you like to think. But you love a good drink, down the pub with the likeminded individuals you call friends, you have friends and you're not as lonely as you might think. Maybe I'm getting it all wrong but I don't think that's true, and I'd do anything in the world for you. You confine yourself in your little big cube, you hibernate just as I do and it's not the right path to choose. You're older than me and perhaps wiser. You've done a lot for me over what feels like years when it's so much shorter. I respect you so much and all I'd like is for you to be happy. I stil feel what I always did, but for a while I hid it, as I do, I hide my feelings away but I'm done hiding, especially with you. I never needed to pretend with you. But now they're all gone and you're all that's left inside, I'd like you to come inside. Take over me and look after me, be strong for me when I cannot be. You've done it all before, and I tried my best. I don't know if you're still thankful for me taking that step, I don't know what was real of us, all I know is I never wanted it to end and I still want it now. Are you scared of love or was it just me? I wish it was me that you need. You do crave love, just as much as I and any other, I'm sure of it. Have you met someone else or are you like me, are you simply attempting to be solitary, because you know what love does? I think that's the case, but you don't need to be scared. Hush my darling don't worry about a thing, I'm always here for you and just like I promised, I've been waiting for you. I don't know if it would work out for good, none of us do, but I'd be so willing to give all of my love to you.
You'll Find Me
There is a wind from the east,
There are whirlpools in the bath,
There is a little light that calms me right down,
There are warning signs,
Every where.
There is a man from my past,
There are men I can't forget,
There is a gift from God,
There are pieces of my heart laying in several parts,
Every where.
There is a feeling I some times get,
There are special people out there,
There is a hard way out,
There are always easy ways too,
Every where,
Just look
And you'll find them,
Just look
And you'll find me.
-30th November 2011, 23:42
There are whirlpools in the bath,
There is a little light that calms me right down,
There are warning signs,
Every where.
There is a man from my past,
There are men I can't forget,
There is a gift from God,
There are pieces of my heart laying in several parts,
Every where.
There is a feeling I some times get,
There are special people out there,
There is a hard way out,
There are always easy ways too,
Every where,
Just look
And you'll find them,
Just look
And you'll find me.
-30th November 2011, 23:42
As Free As Birdsong
Love hurts,
Some times it's too much,
You don't want to carry on,
It's okay,
She's shouting
But it's not,
He is not here,
Tears form
But they won't fall.
I'm all out
Of fear.
I have my pen and paper,
Right here,
It's all I need to survive
I'll live on in memories.
Such a shame,
The sweet young girl
Could never be as free
As birdsong,
That's all she wanted from life;
Freedom.
They were winning the fight,
It's a losing battle.
Heart failure,
Was it's name,
Killed them all,
With a single bullet.
It's all it took
To kill
Their souls.
-Cusworth
Some times it's too much,
You don't want to carry on,
It's okay,
She's shouting
But it's not,
He is not here,
Tears form
But they won't fall.
I'm all out
Of fear.
I have my pen and paper,
Right here,
It's all I need to survive
I'll live on in memories.
Such a shame,
The sweet young girl
Could never be as free
As birdsong,
That's all she wanted from life;
Freedom.
They were winning the fight,
It's a losing battle.
Heart failure,
Was it's name,
Killed them all,
With a single bullet.
It's all it took
To kill
Their souls.
-Cusworth
All Love Can Do In The End Is Win.
Heartbreak is a mental illness we’ve all suffered from, whether you’re the broken heart or the breaking heart it’s hard to pull through. There’s sorrow and there’s guilt and all those horrible little things, and that person who helped you stay strong is gone. You can’t help but wonder what is left of you, because you know they carried so much of your heart and they didn’t give it back before they left, and what they did give back still smells of them, still reminds you of the light in their eyes, the sunshine they kindled your heart with. You hope you’ll see them again soon, you hope it won’t all wash away, but every time you wash you’re washing their skin from your skin, washing their kiss from your lips every time you pick up that toothbrush. Things were okay back then, before that love existed at all, now you know it exists and it’s gone, you wonder what you’ve become. Love fucks us all. I know it’s fucked me before, and it’s still going on. I miss so many people from my past, I’ve learnt the hard way that love doesn’t always last. Though every so often I see people who are clearly meant to be, and I see happiness and I’ve felt it, too, it is out there.
Every rose has it’s thorn and most relationships prick you every single day, you’ve got to decide which thorns are worth it, and which icebergs are best avoided. I’m not completely sure at all, I don’t know if I ever will be. Once you’ve been hurt by love you can never fully trust it, but my God you can put your passion and your soul in to it. Try to love and you’ll live. Forget about love and you’ll lose the will to survive. Love matters in our lives, it’s what we’re here for. To love one another and to procreate. Pass on information to the next generations, hope they make it even further than we ever did. It’s about being free, you can love whoever you want to, because love knows no boundaries and we don’t choose who we fall for, we don’t choose to fall out, but we can choose to give love our all. That’s what it’s worth. All of you, forever. If you’re not ready for that then don’t sail the ship at all, or you’ll end up sinking just like so many have before, yet maybe it’s not all so bad. You could be a survivor of love. You just need to try a bit harder, give it all you’ve got. Stop being shy, stop thinking it’s a sin. All love can do in the end is win.
-30th November 2011
Every rose has it’s thorn and most relationships prick you every single day, you’ve got to decide which thorns are worth it, and which icebergs are best avoided. I’m not completely sure at all, I don’t know if I ever will be. Once you’ve been hurt by love you can never fully trust it, but my God you can put your passion and your soul in to it. Try to love and you’ll live. Forget about love and you’ll lose the will to survive. Love matters in our lives, it’s what we’re here for. To love one another and to procreate. Pass on information to the next generations, hope they make it even further than we ever did. It’s about being free, you can love whoever you want to, because love knows no boundaries and we don’t choose who we fall for, we don’t choose to fall out, but we can choose to give love our all. That’s what it’s worth. All of you, forever. If you’re not ready for that then don’t sail the ship at all, or you’ll end up sinking just like so many have before, yet maybe it’s not all so bad. You could be a survivor of love. You just need to try a bit harder, give it all you’ve got. Stop being shy, stop thinking it’s a sin. All love can do in the end is win.
-30th November 2011
Scratch The Surface
It’s only just beginning, yet it’s been there for years. I’m realising it now; I need to have patience for intelligence. I’m an intellectual but I’m not a pretentious prick. I won’t always use big fancy words, I’m not scared to say what I think. And I think many many things, sometimes it’s too much. But I’ve got to be strong enough to carry on what George and co. have done, I’ve got to be strong for Him. Doing what I want most would be a sin. A tragic story. It already is, but it can still have a somewhat happy ending right now. I’m going to live for me, from this day forwards. I’ll live for others sakes, so the action of not jumping off the nearest bridge, that’s for you. I’m doing it for all of you, because you need me more than I need you. I love so much, so many, but I don’t always have time for people. I have projects to be working on, I can’t work at a nine to five pace, I can only work for myself. And I’m working really hard, it starts with breathing and it will end in publication, but you’ll always be able to access most of my works, some of my words, for free. I’ve stolen some art in my time, and I don’t really always see that it’s a crime. I’m not up on totalitarianism just yet, but I will be because already I’m an Orwellian, and I wasn’t around in 49 or 84 but I know the score. I feel he’s a father figure, of sorts. He will teach me so much, as will Kundera. I could do with a break to sit and read and write the future, but I need communication and I need time for family and friends and escapism. Reading used to do that for me but now it’s all about learning. There’s enjoyment but it’s work, work, work. It’s too much sometimes and that’s why life is so hard. Life’s easier for people who don’t bother using their brains, or those who’ll happily always escape. I’ve learnt that I need to try and stick with reality most of the time, it’s okay for me to fly away once in a full moon, that’s fine. As long as I come back down and stay for a while. There is so much I need to find out, this is why I cannot die. I need to pass on information, prove that I really do have the brain power and they are not grandiose delusions, fuck the people who don’t bother trying to know me. I’ll only have time for the ones who want to see me and find out the deeper meanings. It’s not all about me at all, that’s just the surface. Try scratching it, and you might just see, you never know, I might show you the real me.
-30th November 2011
-30th November 2011
The pool where I'd happily drown.
Some times angels fly in to our lives and slowly everything changes, things get better. You become sure of yourself, you believe you can be an angel too. You become one another's angels, then one day your angel gets it's wing caught in a shiny silver door.
Your focus is then to help mend their broken wing, to help them to fly again, but in the process your wings get torn and frayed. Neither of you are angels any more, you could be devils instead.
I'm not certain what I am now, I've been an angel and I've been a devil, now it's like I'm stuck, in purgatory, in the middle. Yet there are still so many people that are angelic, to me. I know they're there, but it becomes hard to care. All I wanted was for my angel to never fly too far away from me, but both our wings were broken, so we couldn't be one another's angels any more. Now I'm waiting, impatience is building. I know I can't find happiness here, I'm ready to jump in to a fjord. The pool where I'd happily drown, it could be anywhere right now.
-28th November 2011
Your focus is then to help mend their broken wing, to help them to fly again, but in the process your wings get torn and frayed. Neither of you are angels any more, you could be devils instead.
I'm not certain what I am now, I've been an angel and I've been a devil, now it's like I'm stuck, in purgatory, in the middle. Yet there are still so many people that are angelic, to me. I know they're there, but it becomes hard to care. All I wanted was for my angel to never fly too far away from me, but both our wings were broken, so we couldn't be one another's angels any more. Now I'm waiting, impatience is building. I know I can't find happiness here, I'm ready to jump in to a fjord. The pool where I'd happily drown, it could be anywhere right now.
-28th November 2011
Saturday 26 November 2011
Second Best
Second best,
Is the best anybody can be,
For me.
Now I know how well we work,
It’s so difficult to think of moving on,
Sure, I could have some fun.
Yet all I want is to be in your arms again,
To be in your passenger seat,
Driving around aimlessly,
Anywhere where we are together,
Would be perfect.
Anywhere that you are,
Is a place I’d like to be,
But again, it comes back to the same old thing,
It’s got to be drugs or me.
And I can’t give you an ultimatum,
It’s not fair,
You have your life to live,
And I want to be a part of it,
I just really don’t want them to be part of our relationship.
For me.
Now I know how well we work,
It’s so difficult to think of moving on,
Sure, I could have some fun.
Yet all I want is to be in your arms again,
To be in your passenger seat,
Driving around aimlessly,
Anywhere where we are together,
Would be perfect.
Anywhere that you are,
Is a place I’d like to be,
But again, it comes back to the same old thing,
It’s got to be drugs or me.
And I can’t give you an ultimatum,
It’s not fair,
You have your life to live,
And I want to be a part of it,
I just really don’t want them to be part of our relationship.
-26th November 2011, 16:09
Broken Wings.
We found each other,
When we needed us the most,
Then I chose to say goodbye,
You couldn't understand how hard it was that day,
To see you that way,
It hurt me to see you so low,
It tore me apart,
And you couldn't keep your promises to me,
Yet you tried,
You were trying.
Trying is not always good enough.
I try, all the time.
I've tried so hard to push you out of my mind,
It won't work.
Love works,
It breaks, and it shatters.
But you can always piece it back together,
Do it together,
Mend each other's broken wings,
Learn to fly away together,
Be there,
Care.
I care,
Perhaps too much,
Or maybe it's not enough.
I need to get better,
But I need you to get better,
Alongside me.
Help each other,
Mend our wings,
Fly off in to the night sky,
Oh please, please, please,
Let us fly away together.
-26th November 2011
When we needed us the most,
Then I chose to say goodbye,
You couldn't understand how hard it was that day,
To see you that way,
It hurt me to see you so low,
It tore me apart,
And you couldn't keep your promises to me,
Yet you tried,
You were trying.
Trying is not always good enough.
I try, all the time.
I've tried so hard to push you out of my mind,
It won't work.
Love works,
It breaks, and it shatters.
But you can always piece it back together,
Do it together,
Mend each other's broken wings,
Learn to fly away together,
Be there,
Care.
I care,
Perhaps too much,
Or maybe it's not enough.
I need to get better,
But I need you to get better,
Alongside me.
Help each other,
Mend our wings,
Fly off in to the night sky,
Oh please, please, please,
Let us fly away together.
-26th November 2011
Saturday 19 November 2011
Equality/Feminism - thoughts/essay/whatever.
I am totally for equality, but men and women are different, and in many ways, I do actually see men as the better sex. Yet there should be no "better" sex. Women can carry children, that is so beautiful and it is so unfair on men, that they will never have that connection. Yet men do not long for connections as much as women do. Men seem to be able to cope with so much more.
A friend was once explaining to me how all women long to settle down and have children, and at the time, I had to disagree. Yet now I see the truth, which is it. Women long for something, that closeness, women get lonely. Yet men are more prone to solitude. We need to look deeper. Do men actually enjoy loneliness? Of course not, they're just better at dealing with things alone, it's how it's always been. Men do the hard work; we could go back to so many eras. Men have to prove themselves by showing they can deal with their emotions. They hide them away and women are allowed to shower affection on their loved ones.
Take the modern day example; girls can hold each other’s hands, put kisses on the end of text messages, make themselves look prettier without having their sexuality questioned. If we were to see two men walk round the streets holding hands we would automatically assume they were gay. This is why I cannot understand feminism. Men are shunned just as much as women and I do not want to shun anybody. I could not think of a male equivalent to 'feminist', so you are fighting for equality yet there is no equal term for men. It is just something I personally cannot comprehend. If they do not show their masculinity enough, they are taunted. If women do not look feminine enough they can be shunned too, yet it is all getting much better. Things are becoming much more accepted in some societies. Yet lesbians are still much more accepted than gay men. And why do women have a special word for that? There is no term for a gay man, yet the term 'lesbian' exists.
I want to fight for equality, but not just for women. Fair enough women are probably less likely to get a pay rise, but actually most of the time it's because we're simply not set out to achieve those things. Women always have been the ones who stay at home, keep the house clean and look after the children. It's in our blood, in our history. And why campaign unless it's affecting you personally. You've been in your job for years, so has that guy, oh and he's had pay rise after pay rise. Why haven't you? Is it really sexism or is he just better at his job than you are, or did you fall for your boss and have an office affair? Yes, I will assume, it is a natural feminine reaction to look for a hunter, a man to keep things stable. Nevertheless, if you are going to be stupid enough to have sex with your boss, or even a co-worker, don't expect everything to go swimmingly; it's not how this world works. If you want to do well in this world, you have to fight for it.
So fight to get to the top, or get down off your high horse and admit, all you want is a man and children, happiness. At least men admit to being over bearing in order to prove their masculinty, women never admit to doing anything wrong because we're too stubborn. Well, I, as a woman, will admit that yes, a lot of the time, all I want is stability, and if that means a husband, house and kids, then yes, that's what I want eventually. Yet I've realised I don't need a man to be who I am, I can get wherever I want to without one. I can survive this life alone, for so long, if that's how it happens. And if I meet someone, and it fucks up, I can't blame them, because the majority of the time when women call men all the names under the sun, it's actually their fault. So think about all those times you've slagged off your man, your ex, think about how it went wrong. You were probably being too clingy, too much. Women are too needy. Step back, take some time for yourself, see how it goes, appreciate your love but spend some time apart. Absence makes the heart grow fonder - it is true. Just learn to be comfortable with you.
Looking for help in the mirror.
Night time is always the worst,
When it’s hard to control my thoughts,
And I wish there was someone with whom to be,
Just to settle down and watch a film alongside me.
And I wish there was someone with whom to be,
Just to settle down and watch a film alongside me.
Any time can be bad,
But during the day help can be had,
When the rest of the world is sleeping,
I’m still awake, worrying and hoping.
But during the day help can be had,
When the rest of the world is sleeping,
I’m still awake, worrying and hoping.
Night time is always best,
Then I’m allowed to just sleep through it,
Yet it’s not always so easy to drift off,
When there’s no-one beside me.
Then I’m allowed to just sleep through it,
Yet it’s not always so easy to drift off,
When there’s no-one beside me.
Any time can be good,
There’s always somebody to turn to,
You are always there,
Looking for help in the mirror.
There’s always somebody to turn to,
You are always there,
Looking for help in the mirror.
-19th November 2011, 22:25
Scared of myself
I don't know what's real any more,
What's love and what's simply infatuation,
I'm scared of myself,
So reliant on others
I don't know what's for the best,
Don't know which path to choose,
I'm so confused.
-17th November 2011
What's love and what's simply infatuation,
I'm scared of myself,
So reliant on others
I don't know what's for the best,
Don't know which path to choose,
I'm so confused.
-17th November 2011
Change
Don't cough,
Try not to have the slightest hiccup,
Any noise you make could wake the world up.
Don't run,
Try not to pretend,
You could change the world with the thoughts in your head.
Single-handedly,
You won't get far,
With hard work and effort,
Make other people care.
Once you're out there,
Every one will know your name,
Whether they love you or hate you,
They'll see your passion,
They'll hear your voice.
Your reasoning,
Your aim.
Look up at the sky,
Look around you,
There are endless possibilities here,
Find a road to drive down,
Stay for a while
And move on,
See the beauty while it's there,
Try your best,
To make it stay,
Almost exactly that way.
-17th November 2011
Try not to have the slightest hiccup,
Any noise you make could wake the world up.
Don't run,
Try not to pretend,
You could change the world with the thoughts in your head.
Single-handedly,
You won't get far,
With hard work and effort,
Make other people care.
Once you're out there,
Every one will know your name,
Whether they love you or hate you,
They'll see your passion,
They'll hear your voice.
Your reasoning,
Your aim.
Look up at the sky,
Look around you,
There are endless possibilities here,
Find a road to drive down,
Stay for a while
And move on,
See the beauty while it's there,
Try your best,
To make it stay,
Almost exactly that way.
-17th November 2011
So many giants
Pain,
Which hurts more?
They're both killing me,
But physically, I'll give it all I've got,
Mentally, I'll give it a shot
Yet I am not strong enough
To stand on the shoulders,
Of so many giants,
I have to get through my own shit first.
-17th November 2011
Which hurts more?
They're both killing me,
But physically, I'll give it all I've got,
Mentally, I'll give it a shot
Yet I am not strong enough
To stand on the shoulders,
Of so many giants,
I have to get through my own shit first.
-17th November 2011
Relapse
It was bound to come,
That's why they warned me,
Why they tried to make us turn away
From each other,
But your light shines too bright.
So, go and smoke a cigarette,
Down a bottle of whisky,
Roll a joint,
Light up,
Get your gems,
But I won't always be there.
If I know that all you're doing is
Collapsing.
I'll be waiting,
Constantly.
When me alone,
Can be enough.
Company, communication, closeness,
It can be enough for me.
Love is all I really dream of.
And there's a love affair with you,
It's like a three way,
But I'm being left out in the cold.
Shivering, in the dark,
Crying, alone.
Hello? Emergency
Help, please!
It's on it's way, to both you and me.
-17th November 2011
That's why they warned me,
Why they tried to make us turn away
From each other,
But your light shines too bright.
So, go and smoke a cigarette,
Down a bottle of whisky,
Roll a joint,
Light up,
Get your gems,
But I won't always be there.
If I know that all you're doing is
Collapsing.
I'll be waiting,
Constantly.
When me alone,
Can be enough.
Company, communication, closeness,
It can be enough for me.
Love is all I really dream of.
And there's a love affair with you,
It's like a three way,
But I'm being left out in the cold.
Shivering, in the dark,
Crying, alone.
Hello? Emergency
Help, please!
It's on it's way, to both you and me.
-17th November 2011
My head is a traffic jam.
I knew the day would come,
When I'd be so confused,
By rights and wrongs
That I didn't know which road to choose.
I know what they would think was what I need,
And I somewhat agree,
But I don't want to turn my back on you.
Yet I told you,
You knew,
I would say goodbye,
If you reconnected with them.
Now my head is a traffic jam,
My priorities are rearranged,
Deranged.
I'm not sure if I'm in too deep,
I've made promises to myself,
That I'm not sure I can keep.
One more chance,
But is it one too many?
I don't know what to do,
All I know is I don't want to turn my back on you.
Maybe it's for the best,
Sometimes the hardest thing to do,
Is also the easiest.
I hate what I feel for you,
I love you, too much.
-16th November 2011
When I'd be so confused,
By rights and wrongs
That I didn't know which road to choose.
I know what they would think was what I need,
And I somewhat agree,
But I don't want to turn my back on you.
Yet I told you,
You knew,
I would say goodbye,
If you reconnected with them.
Now my head is a traffic jam,
My priorities are rearranged,
Deranged.
I'm not sure if I'm in too deep,
I've made promises to myself,
That I'm not sure I can keep.
One more chance,
But is it one too many?
I don't know what to do,
All I know is I don't want to turn my back on you.
Maybe it's for the best,
Sometimes the hardest thing to do,
Is also the easiest.
I hate what I feel for you,
I love you, too much.
-16th November 2011
Cardboard Boots
Living out of
Cardboard boots.
Boxes, bags, car boots,
Cardboard, plastic, paper,
Materials,
They don't really matter.
People do.
Emotions do.
That's why I'm so in love
With living out of cardboard boots
With you.
Paper, pens,
Materialistic,
I admit, it's what I am.
So I carry on,
Living out of a backpack,
Full of my identity.
Love, cuddles, kisses,
Sexuality,
That's what matters to me.
So, I would,
Live, forever,
Loving being anywhere,
That you are.
Living out of cardboard boots,
With you,
That's the nightmare I'm living.
Stability is what we need,
But I'll live this rollercoaster forever, with you.
-14th November 2011
Cardboard boots.
Boxes, bags, car boots,
Cardboard, plastic, paper,
Materials,
They don't really matter.
People do.
Emotions do.
That's why I'm so in love
With living out of cardboard boots
With you.
Paper, pens,
Materialistic,
I admit, it's what I am.
So I carry on,
Living out of a backpack,
Full of my identity.
Love, cuddles, kisses,
Sexuality,
That's what matters to me.
So, I would,
Live, forever,
Loving being anywhere,
That you are.
Living out of cardboard boots,
With you,
That's the nightmare I'm living.
Stability is what we need,
But I'll live this rollercoaster forever, with you.
-14th November 2011
Thank you for Him,
I'll look after him,
When you aren't there
And have no way to get to him,
I am already by his side
Thank you for getting us to each other,
I promise,
I'll take over from here,
Wherever he is,
I will not be far away
And we will look after each other
When one of us is too weak,
The strong helps the other,
Always,
We will have one another
I promise you,
I am his,
And he is mine,
Forever,
Thank you,
So much,
Thank you, for
Him.
-13th November 2011
When you aren't there
And have no way to get to him,
I am already by his side
Thank you for getting us to each other,
I promise,
I'll take over from here,
Wherever he is,
I will not be far away
And we will look after each other
When one of us is too weak,
The strong helps the other,
Always,
We will have one another
I promise you,
I am his,
And he is mine,
Forever,
Thank you,
So much,
Thank you, for
Him.
-13th November 2011
Friday 18 November 2011
Rolling up
Rolling up,
It reminds me of those days we'd spend,
Little money, but happiness was in the air,
Fucked up minds,
Tales of sad times,
Everything we shared,
It was so beautiful,
You were so kind.
I was such a fucked up mess,
Inside.
I tried.
You were so good to me,
And I messed up,
Truly,
I'm sorry.
-18th November 2011, 23:50
It reminds me of those days we'd spend,
Little money, but happiness was in the air,
Fucked up minds,
Tales of sad times,
Everything we shared,
It was so beautiful,
You were so kind.
I was such a fucked up mess,
Inside.
I tried.
You were so good to me,
And I messed up,
Truly,
I'm sorry.
-18th November 2011, 23:50
The lone girl
They might wonder about me,
The lone girl sat,
With a cigarette,
A notebook and a pen,
Headphones on.
But why wonder,
When you could find out,
With a simple question,
And two minutes of listening,
But nobody seems to listen,
Nobody has the time,
Of day for me.
That's why I wonder,
Why I'm wandering,
Completely lost,
In my own world,
Full of bliss and shit.
- 12th November 2011
The lone girl sat,
With a cigarette,
A notebook and a pen,
Headphones on.
But why wonder,
When you could find out,
With a simple question,
And two minutes of listening,
But nobody seems to listen,
Nobody has the time,
Of day for me.
That's why I wonder,
Why I'm wandering,
Completely lost,
In my own world,
Full of bliss and shit.
- 12th November 2011
Can't break her fall
- Inspired by Mat Kearney - Can't break her fall.
The first two lines of this poem were stolen from his song. -
___________________________________________________
She says today is gonna be the last time,
I know there's never gonna be an easy way out,
There never is,
Barely anything happening
Without ifs and buts
Flashes,
Bright lights,
Danger,
Safety nets,
I need to build one,
All around me,
Cocoon myself
So that nobody,
Not even me
Can break my fall.
- 12th November 2011
The first two lines of this poem were stolen from his song. -
___________________________________________________
She says today is gonna be the last time,
I know there's never gonna be an easy way out,
There never is,
Barely anything happening
Without ifs and buts
Flashes,
Bright lights,
Danger,
Safety nets,
I need to build one,
All around me,
Cocoon myself
So that nobody,
Not even me
Can break my fall.
- 12th November 2011
Judgement.
Security,
Serenity,
When old things become new,
It's wonderful
And I can look after myself,
If only I was trusted
But the world is fucked up,
Too much judgement,
Too many judging,
Not enough caring.
Not enough questions,
Questioning, everything.
It's what I do, even,
More so, lately.
My mind is fractured,
Yet it's good.
I want to be listened to
Because I think I have things to say,
Validity, caring.
I know I'm not a bad person,
I'm full of joy,
At least I would be,
If more people could see,
See the beauty in things,
Life,
Love,
It's all we need to get us through.
Kindness and caring
Is what the world needs,
I'm willing to fight for my rights,
I want to fight for everything,
Every thing that I believe in,
But usually it seems nobody else is,
That really upsets me, people just don't get me.
- 12th November 2011
Serenity,
When old things become new,
It's wonderful
And I can look after myself,
If only I was trusted
But the world is fucked up,
Too much judgement,
Too many judging,
Not enough caring.
Not enough questions,
Questioning, everything.
It's what I do, even,
More so, lately.
My mind is fractured,
Yet it's good.
I want to be listened to
Because I think I have things to say,
Validity, caring.
I know I'm not a bad person,
I'm full of joy,
At least I would be,
If more people could see,
See the beauty in things,
Life,
Love,
It's all we need to get us through.
Kindness and caring
Is what the world needs,
I'm willing to fight for my rights,
I want to fight for everything,
Every thing that I believe in,
But usually it seems nobody else is,
That really upsets me, people just don't get me.
- 12th November 2011
Hiding away from reality.
Running,
Hiding,
Away,
from reality.
Ever since that day,
I don't know when it happened,
But I stopped caring,
Started caring,
Too much,
Thinking,
Overthinking,
Not thinking enough,
It's been about five years
and I'm still fucked up,
I know what's right,
And I know what's wrong,
As long as they're helping themselves
I want to help them.
I look out for me,
Look after number one,
But if someone needs what I have,
They can take it away.
I don't need to have it all,
All i need is to be secure,
Happiness is all I long for,
Yet it never seems to come.
Those were the best days of my life,
Now they're gone.
Once you've realized you are broken,
You know nobody can ever heal you,
But you,
And I care too much to walk away,
From anyone,
So I'm a write off, for sure.
- 12th November 2011
Hiding,
Away,
from reality.
Ever since that day,
I don't know when it happened,
But I stopped caring,
Started caring,
Too much,
Thinking,
Overthinking,
Not thinking enough,
It's been about five years
and I'm still fucked up,
I know what's right,
And I know what's wrong,
As long as they're helping themselves
I want to help them.
I look out for me,
Look after number one,
But if someone needs what I have,
They can take it away.
I don't need to have it all,
All i need is to be secure,
Happiness is all I long for,
Yet it never seems to come.
Those were the best days of my life,
Now they're gone.
Once you've realized you are broken,
You know nobody can ever heal you,
But you,
And I care too much to walk away,
From anyone,
So I'm a write off, for sure.
- 12th November 2011
Yours, forevermore?
Selfish fuckers,
They don't deserve a man like you,
You are amazing,
Give me shivers through and through,
Take me away,
To a better place,
You do.
Management
- Anxiety, anger, emotions,
You are my controller.
Beautiful man,
Is this what i am?
Yours, forevermore?
Simplicity,
Complexites,
Beauty,
We are love,
That is all we need.
- Cusworth
They don't deserve a man like you,
You are amazing,
Give me shivers through and through,
Take me away,
To a better place,
You do.
Management
- Anxiety, anger, emotions,
You are my controller.
Beautiful man,
Is this what i am?
Yours, forevermore?
Simplicity,
Complexites,
Beauty,
We are love,
That is all we need.
- Cusworth
Karma's a bitch
We have to face up to reality,
Can't always have all of our dreams come true,
Yet I met you.
What's most important is always there,
In the shadows,
Waiting.
And Karma's a bitch,
But she's lovely.
I have to stay put,
Can't run away this time.
I found the place that feels like home,
It was bad timing,
Can't go back there right now.
Yet the safest place to be,
Is always waiting to be found,
I found his arms,
In a place full of demons,
And sadness.
My greatest dream has come true,
Maybe yours could too...
- Cusworth
Can't always have all of our dreams come true,
Yet I met you.
What's most important is always there,
In the shadows,
Waiting.
And Karma's a bitch,
But she's lovely.
I have to stay put,
Can't run away this time.
I found the place that feels like home,
It was bad timing,
Can't go back there right now.
Yet the safest place to be,
Is always waiting to be found,
I found his arms,
In a place full of demons,
And sadness.
My greatest dream has come true,
Maybe yours could too...
- Cusworth
Sickly sweet vanilla
Sickly sweet vanila,
Rattling chains,
Running through my veins,
Brains,
Mashed up,
Write off.
Fuck it all,
I think.
Blink, breathe.
Count to ten,
Look up,
See the beauty in this place,
Heaven and hell,
Serenity, and peace,
Equals freedom.
- Cusworth
Rattling chains,
Running through my veins,
Brains,
Mashed up,
Write off.
Fuck it all,
I think.
Blink, breathe.
Count to ten,
Look up,
See the beauty in this place,
Heaven and hell,
Serenity, and peace,
Equals freedom.
- Cusworth
Darling
Fuck every one apart from you, darling,
You are my life,
The reason I choose to
Survive. My current life,
I would never leave you,
In your mind and memories,
I will always exist.
God will help us both.
It is always there,
Watching,
Just like the sun and the stars and planets.
Cameras,
Don't ever hide.
Baby please always survive.
- Cusworth
You are my life,
The reason I choose to
Survive. My current life,
I would never leave you,
In your mind and memories,
I will always exist.
God will help us both.
It is always there,
Watching,
Just like the sun and the stars and planets.
Cameras,
Don't ever hide.
Baby please always survive.
- Cusworth
FTN
Fuck the nhs, fuck you,
- Cusworth
Fuck helping,
Fuck being alright
All right,
Human rights,
Never going to be
Right,
Fucked up, mental,
Basket case,
Help is all I'm
Asking, for,
Lord, please.
- Cusworth
I'm going to type up the poems I wrote in hospital here, a lot of them aren't dated and I don't remember exactly when I wrote them, so they will probably just be marked with 'Cusworth' 'Skelbrooke' 'Oxleas' or simply 'Hospital' instead of a date and/or time.
I'll be starting with a few of them today, but there'll be many more to come. I don't think I'm going to be putting any of my other old writing on here just yet though, if at all. This blog will be mostly for the things I've written, or documented some other way since being in hospital, I want to start over with this one and keep it looking sort of professional. I may still use my old blog for some things, if you'd like a link to that let me know. But this is the blog I'll be putting the important things from now on.
I'll be starting with a few of them today, but there'll be many more to come. I don't think I'm going to be putting any of my other old writing on here just yet though, if at all. This blog will be mostly for the things I've written, or documented some other way since being in hospital, I want to start over with this one and keep it looking sort of professional. I may still use my old blog for some things, if you'd like a link to that let me know. But this is the blog I'll be putting the important things from now on.
I don't need anything more now...
I don't need to be scared any more,
Because there's always a way out,
I don't need to miss home any more,
Because there's always a way in.
I don't need to run away now,
Because i'm comfortable in my own skin,
I don't need to hide now,
Because i am the real me.
I don't need a man now,
Because i have myself to deal with,
I don't need constant attention now,
Because i am comfortable with my own company.
I don't need everything to be done for me now,
Because i'm very capable,
I don't need a saviour now,
Because i'm still here.
I don't need anything more now,
Because i have it all,
I don't need to wait now,
Because i can do whatever i put my mind to.
-18th November 2011, 22:41
Because there's always a way out,
I don't need to miss home any more,
Because there's always a way in.
I don't need to run away now,
Because i'm comfortable in my own skin,
I don't need to hide now,
Because i am the real me.
I don't need a man now,
Because i have myself to deal with,
I don't need constant attention now,
Because i am comfortable with my own company.
I don't need everything to be done for me now,
Because i'm very capable,
I don't need a saviour now,
Because i'm still here.
I don't need anything more now,
Because i have it all,
I don't need to wait now,
Because i can do whatever i put my mind to.
-18th November 2011, 22:41
Thursday 17 November 2011
R.I.P, my love
Rest in peace, my love.
These are not words i want to be writing,
Any time soon,
You promised you'd out live me.
So what are you doing,
Out there alone.
Rest in peace, my love.
Farewell,
This is not something i want to be saying,
Goodbyes don't come easy to me,
And you promised me.
Where are you?
I'm calling, and calling,
And you don't pick up.
Is it bad signal,
Or network failure,
Have you really gone?
Rest in peace, my love.
Hugs and kisses,
Love,
That's what i want to be expressing.
Yet when you do these things that you do,
It turns in to anger and melancholy,
My mind turns to mush.
Melodies,
They're beautiful.
Let me sing you, a lullaby,
Give you, a kiss goodnight,
Don't let me have to place the flowers down.
Don't let me have to say those words to you,
Please, don't do that right now.
Rest in peace, my love,
Goodnight,
Goodbyes,
It never comes easy,
But i feel that soon it will all end up in those words,
The ones i couldn't bear to say,
The body i couldn't bear to see,
Broken,
Rotten,
Cold and freezing over.
Rest in peace, my love.
Come here,
Walk with me.
-15:25, 17/11/11
These are not words i want to be writing,
Any time soon,
You promised you'd out live me.
So what are you doing,
Out there alone.
Rest in peace, my love.
Farewell,
This is not something i want to be saying,
Goodbyes don't come easy to me,
And you promised me.
Where are you?
I'm calling, and calling,
And you don't pick up.
Is it bad signal,
Or network failure,
Have you really gone?
Rest in peace, my love.
Hugs and kisses,
Love,
That's what i want to be expressing.
Yet when you do these things that you do,
It turns in to anger and melancholy,
My mind turns to mush.
Melodies,
They're beautiful.
Let me sing you, a lullaby,
Give you, a kiss goodnight,
Don't let me have to place the flowers down.
Don't let me have to say those words to you,
Please, don't do that right now.
Rest in peace, my love,
Goodnight,
Goodbyes,
It never comes easy,
But i feel that soon it will all end up in those words,
The ones i couldn't bear to say,
The body i couldn't bear to see,
Broken,
Rotten,
Cold and freezing over.
Rest in peace, my love.
Come here,
Walk with me.
-15:25, 17/11/11
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