My Shining Light

Thinking of you is killing me, I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do. Still, you never let me go, you never let me leave you completely. I don't know what you did intentionally, I know you liked it when I wrote you lovely poetry and I'd never stop writing lines for you, you'd just need to stop doing lines, for me. I think you've already realised that, though. It was never even that big a kick, for you. You always knew. And I don't need that security, not now, however I would like to know that there'd be no others, I'm not sure if I'd be asking too much, but I'd be yours and mine only. As long as I knew I had you, and you knew you had me, everything could just be, happy.
Never entirely, we're miles apart, but we're on the same level. I do miss you, you were like an angel sent from heaven. You'd never have let me drown in my own mess, and some people would have just let my blood and tears kill me slowly, you didn't. You stayed there. I still care, I just want you to know that.
You were so good for me, if I'd have just stepped back and looked what I had, maybe I could've appreciated it all for what it was. You're a star, literally, my shining light.
I've cut out the word love now, from everything. I don't need that word so much right now. It's for family and friends, only. They're not words that come lightly. I don't need you any more, but I want you. I want you to want me too, and I don't know how to find out, I can't be as blunt as I used to be, I've grown up so much since I first met you. I'm so much stronger, yet still some times weak. I'll never be perfect, and neither will you. Nobody is, but I'd like to try my best from now on.
And if I could get another chance with you, I wouldn't fuck it up. I'm not her, anymore. I'm just the slightly nervous but very open girl, the one you met that night when I'd had a few to drink. I'm the slightly insecure but not so shy at all girl, the one you first knew. I'm back and I'd like whatever it was we had back, and as much as I'm okay with not needing as much security any more, only I can be yours, I don't like sharing people that way. And I'd be all for you, me and my close family and friends. I promise you, I've run away from that life now.

-5th December 2011