Scratch The Surface

It’s only just beginning, yet it’s been there for years. I’m realising it now; I need to have patience for intelligence. I’m an intellectual but I’m not a pretentious prick. I won’t always use big fancy words, I’m not scared to say what I think. And I think many many things, sometimes it’s too much. But I’ve got to be strong enough to carry on what George and co. have done, I’ve got to be strong for Him. Doing what I want most would be a sin. A tragic story. It already is, but it can still have a somewhat happy ending right now. I’m going to live for me, from this day forwards. I’ll live for others sakes, so the action of not jumping off the nearest bridge, that’s for you. I’m doing it for all of you, because you need me more than I need you. I love so much, so many, but I don’t always have time for people. I have projects to be working on, I can’t work at a nine to five pace, I can only work for myself. And I’m working really hard, it starts with breathing and it will end in publication, but you’ll always be able to access most of my works, some of my words, for free. I’ve stolen some art in my time, and I don’t really always see that it’s a crime. I’m not up on totalitarianism just yet, but I will be because already I’m an Orwellian, and I wasn’t around in 49 or 84 but I know the score. I feel he’s a father figure, of sorts. He will teach me so much, as will Kundera. I could do with a break to sit and read and write the future, but I need communication and I need time for family and friends and escapism. Reading used to do that for me but now it’s all about learning. There’s enjoyment but it’s work, work, work. It’s too much sometimes and that’s why life is so hard. Life’s easier for people who don’t bother using their brains, or those who’ll happily always escape. I’ve learnt that I need to try and stick with reality most of the time, it’s okay for me to fly away once in a full moon, that’s fine. As long as I come back down and stay for a while. There is so much I need to find out, this is why I cannot die. I need to pass on information, prove that I really do have the brain power and they are not grandiose delusions, fuck the people who don’t bother trying to know me. I’ll only have time for the ones who want to see me and find out the deeper meanings. It’s not all about me at all, that’s just the surface. Try scratching it, and you might just see, you never know, I might show you the real me.

-30th November 2011