Hush My Darling

I think I know you rather well, and I could be wrong but I've judged you to hell. Now you can tell me I'm wrong and maybe I'll see it, but I know the difference between truths and lies and pretense and real smiles. You're a solitary man, so you like to think. But you love a good drink, down the pub with the likeminded individuals you call friends, you have friends and you're not as lonely as you might think. Maybe I'm getting it all wrong but I don't think that's true, and I'd do anything in the world for you. You confine yourself in your little big cube, you hibernate just as I do and it's not the right path to choose. You're older than me and perhaps wiser. You've done a lot for me over what feels like years when it's so much shorter. I respect you so much and all I'd like is for you to be happy. I stil feel what I always did, but for a while I hid it, as I do, I hide my feelings away but I'm done hiding, especially with you. I never needed to pretend with you. But now they're all gone and you're all that's left inside, I'd like you to come inside. Take over me and look after me, be strong for me when I cannot be. You've done it all before, and I tried my best. I don't know if you're still thankful for me taking that step, I don't know what was real of us, all I know is I never wanted it to end and I still want it now. Are you scared of love or was it just me? I wish it was me that you need. You do crave love, just as much as I and any other, I'm sure of it. Have you met someone else or are you like me, are you simply attempting to be solitary, because you know what love does? I think that's the case, but you don't need to be scared. Hush my darling don't worry about a thing, I'm always here for you and just like I promised, I've been waiting for you. I don't know if it would work out for good, none of us do, but I'd be so willing to give all of my love to you.

You'll Find Me

There is a wind from the east,
There are whirlpools in the bath,
There is a little light that calms me right down,
There are warning signs,

Every where.

There is a man from my past,
There are men I can't forget,
There is a gift from God,
There are pieces of my heart laying in several parts,

Every where.

There is a feeling I some times get,
There are special people out there,
There is a hard way out,
There are always easy ways too,

Every where,
Just look
And you'll find them,

Just look
And you'll find me.

-30th November 2011, 23:42

As Free As Birdsong

Love hurts,
Some times it's too much,
You don't want to carry on,
It's okay,
She's shouting
But it's not,
He is not here,
Tears form
But they won't fall.
I'm all out
Of fear.
I have my pen and paper,
Right here,
It's all I need to survive
I'll live on in memories.
Such a shame,
The sweet young girl
Could never be as free
As birdsong,
That's all she wanted from life;
Freedom.
They were winning the fight,
It's a losing battle.
Heart failure,
Was it's name,
Killed them all,
With a single bullet.
It's all it took
To kill
Their souls.

-Cusworth

All Love Can Do In The End Is Win.

Heartbreak is a mental illness we’ve all suffered from, whether you’re the broken heart or the breaking heart it’s hard to pull through. There’s sorrow and there’s guilt and all those horrible little things, and that person who helped you stay strong is gone. You can’t help but wonder what is left of you, because you know they carried so much of your heart and they didn’t give it back before they left, and what they did give back still smells of them, still reminds you of the light in their eyes, the sunshine they kindled your heart with. You hope you’ll see them again soon, you hope it won’t all wash away, but every time you wash you’re washing their skin from your skin, washing their kiss from your lips every time you pick up that toothbrush. Things were okay back then, before that love existed at all, now you know it exists and it’s gone, you wonder what you’ve become. Love fucks us all. I know it’s fucked me before, and it’s still going on. I miss so many people from my past, I’ve learnt the hard way that love doesn’t always last. Though every so often I see people who are clearly meant to be, and I see happiness and I’ve felt it, too, it is out there.
Every rose has it’s thorn and most relationships prick you every single day, you’ve got to decide which thorns are worth it, and which icebergs are best avoided. I’m not completely sure at all, I don’t know if I ever will be. Once you’ve been hurt by love you can never fully trust it, but my God you can put your passion and your soul in to it. Try to love and you’ll live. Forget about love and you’ll lose the will to survive. Love matters in our lives, it’s what we’re here for. To love one another and to procreate. Pass on information to the next generations, hope they make it even further than we ever did. It’s about being free, you can love whoever you want to, because love knows no boundaries and we don’t choose who we fall for, we don’t choose to fall out, but we can choose to give love our all. That’s what it’s worth. All of you, forever. If you’re not ready for that then don’t sail the ship at all, or you’ll end up sinking just like so many have before, yet maybe it’s not all so bad. You could be a survivor of love. You just need to try a bit harder, give it all you’ve got. Stop being shy, stop thinking it’s a sin. All love can do in the end is win.

-30th November 2011

Scratch The Surface

It’s only just beginning, yet it’s been there for years. I’m realising it now; I need to have patience for intelligence. I’m an intellectual but I’m not a pretentious prick. I won’t always use big fancy words, I’m not scared to say what I think. And I think many many things, sometimes it’s too much. But I’ve got to be strong enough to carry on what George and co. have done, I’ve got to be strong for Him. Doing what I want most would be a sin. A tragic story. It already is, but it can still have a somewhat happy ending right now. I’m going to live for me, from this day forwards. I’ll live for others sakes, so the action of not jumping off the nearest bridge, that’s for you. I’m doing it for all of you, because you need me more than I need you. I love so much, so many, but I don’t always have time for people. I have projects to be working on, I can’t work at a nine to five pace, I can only work for myself. And I’m working really hard, it starts with breathing and it will end in publication, but you’ll always be able to access most of my works, some of my words, for free. I’ve stolen some art in my time, and I don’t really always see that it’s a crime. I’m not up on totalitarianism just yet, but I will be because already I’m an Orwellian, and I wasn’t around in 49 or 84 but I know the score. I feel he’s a father figure, of sorts. He will teach me so much, as will Kundera. I could do with a break to sit and read and write the future, but I need communication and I need time for family and friends and escapism. Reading used to do that for me but now it’s all about learning. There’s enjoyment but it’s work, work, work. It’s too much sometimes and that’s why life is so hard. Life’s easier for people who don’t bother using their brains, or those who’ll happily always escape. I’ve learnt that I need to try and stick with reality most of the time, it’s okay for me to fly away once in a full moon, that’s fine. As long as I come back down and stay for a while. There is so much I need to find out, this is why I cannot die. I need to pass on information, prove that I really do have the brain power and they are not grandiose delusions, fuck the people who don’t bother trying to know me. I’ll only have time for the ones who want to see me and find out the deeper meanings. It’s not all about me at all, that’s just the surface. Try scratching it, and you might just see, you never know, I might show you the real me.

-30th November 2011

The pool where I'd happily drown.

Some times angels fly in to our lives and slowly everything changes, things get better. You become sure of yourself, you believe you can be an angel too. You become one another's angels, then one day your angel gets it's wing caught in a shiny silver door.
Your focus is then to help mend their broken wing, to help them to fly again, but in the process your wings get torn and frayed. Neither of you are angels any more, you could be devils instead.
I'm not certain what I am now, I've been an angel and I've been a devil, now it's like I'm stuck, in purgatory, in the middle. Yet there are still so many people that are angelic, to me. I know they're there, but it becomes hard to care. All I wanted was for my angel to never fly too far away from me, but both our wings were broken, so we couldn't be one another's angels any more. Now I'm waiting, impatience is building. I know I can't find happiness here, I'm ready to jump in to a fjord. The pool where I'd happily drown, it could be anywhere right now.

-28th November 2011

Second Best

Second best,

Is the best anybody can be,
For me.
Now I know how well we work,
It’s so difficult to think of moving on,
Sure, I could have some fun.
Yet all I want is to be in your arms again,
To be in your passenger seat,
Driving around aimlessly,
Anywhere where we are together,
Would be perfect.
Anywhere that you are,
Is a place I’d like to be,
But again, it comes back to the same old thing,
It’s got to be drugs or me.
And I can’t give you an ultimatum,
It’s not fair,
You have your life to live,
And I want to be a part of it,
I just really don’t want them to be part of our relationship.

-26^th November 2011, 16:09

Broken Wings.

We found each other,
When we needed us the most,
Then I chose to say goodbye,
You couldn't understand how hard it was that day,
To see you that way,
It hurt me to see you so low,
It tore me apart,
And you couldn't keep your promises to me,
Yet you tried,
You were trying.
Trying is not always good enough.
I try, all the time.
I've tried so hard to push you out of my mind,
It won't work.
Love works,
It breaks, and it shatters.
But you can always piece it back together,
Do it together,
Mend each other's broken wings,
Learn to fly away together,
Be there,
Care.
I care,
Perhaps too much,
Or maybe it's not enough.
I need to get better,
But I need you to get better,
Alongside me.
Help each other,
Mend our wings,
Fly off in to the night sky,
Oh please, please, please,
Let us fly away together.

-26th November 2011