Rain, Rain, Go Away.

Rain, rain, go away,
Come back another day.
You make me miserable, you make me sad,
You make me forget the hope I've had.
Sometimes I think you're perfect,
Lovely to listen to,
Pattering on rooftops.
Today I despise you,
Today you're bad.
Sun, come out to play,
Just make the gloomy days go away.

It Has To Be.

That sick feeling rises higher,
You, I still admire.
It's love and hate,
Together.
But was it love,
Or was it too soon
Did we give it more than it was.
I still get that fluttery feeling in my belly,
When you talk to me,
I still wonder what we could've been.
But it's too late now,
It has to be.
Doesn't it.
It has to be.
You can see.

The Big Bottomless Pit.

I want to jump in to the pit, let them bury me in it. Fuck the rubble in my brain, let's feel something real again. The wind is howling, it roars at me. Lashes at my cheeks. I step inside, but it is not warm and cosy in here. My stomach feels empty, it tries to tell me to eat but I cannot be bothered with anything. I'm already in the pit, I'm already buried in it. The rubble's being heaped on top of me, and now I can no longer breathe. I'm dying, but it's a slow painful death. Just smile, and laugh. Try to pretend everything's okay, and maybe it will be one day. But I've lost my positive outlook on life lately. I'm admitting defeat, the depression has eaten me up and swallowed me in bits, I'm in pieces. On the floor, crying out for help. Help has come and gone, now you're on your own. In the big bottomless pit. Alone. Go out there and fight for everything, go out there and try to do something. But what do I do? There's nothing I can do. I cannot change the world, I cannot resolve anything that's wrong here. All I can do is hide away, bury my head in shame. I'm just a girl, I can't change the world. I can't change anything. This is the way I am. I'm a ball of darkness, it's buried deep. I cannot change the way I think.

I'm Getting Tired Of The Fight.

I'm so sick of waking,
Sick of the cold, the wind,
The waves of misery
That flood my veins.
I can't see happiness
Ahead of me,
It's all bleak.
I'm so weak.
Worn down,
Torn down,
My feelings of love
Are up in the air,
Everything looks so dim,
Out in the streets it's dark
I can only see specks of light,
I'm getting tired of the fight.

-28th December 2011

You Cannot Take It All Away From Me.

You cannot take it all away from me. Take what is yours, rightfully. Take what you bought, for me. But you can’t take reality away. Those few weeks, that was heaven for me. Then I slumped back down, crashed and burned. Like an angel, I was falling.

You wanted your gems more than you wanted us to be, I guess you could say the same for me. Yet the reality is that we both played our parts in throwing that love away. Now it is gone, I see more clearly. We could have worked out, eventually. It was always going to be a rollercoaster with you, not one of the little caterpillars either. No, this was the scariest most sickening ride I had ever seen. Brand new. We were the first to test it, and we should have read the warning signs.
 

Signposted everywhere in bold, bright red lettering, “Love hurts”, “It won’t work” – we just drove right past them. Fuck the law, we thought. It will catch up, eventually. You cannot run away from it forever. Somebody will be sitting, waiting. You’ll have fines to pay. Maybe your fine will be your life, one day. That would take both our lives. It got to the stage where I began to think I couldn’t live without you. I toughened up and walked away. Turned you in, that’s what I did. What I tried to do, but they turned you away, too.
 

So it’s up to you, now. Only you can choose. There are so many lanes, flyovers, bridges. So much still needs building. Start up from scratch, fuck it all off, push it away. Just make the decision - the decision to start over from today.
Go travel the globe, get a job, start a course, just enjoy being, learn to love learning. Life lessons – they are hard to get some times, but you know all the way through. They are there. You have to decide, whether to hear them, but too often, we ignore them.
 

I have opened my eyes, I’ve begun to listen, realized rules are there for a reason. I am certain I’ll still break some, my heart’s open. That is almost impossible to change, but I will try my hardest. Learning to love me more, that’s my mission. I can’t expect anybody else to understand if I don’t even get it myself, so I’m trying.
Hiding, I’m done with. This is me, I’m here for the taking. Yet you cannot have all of me, because I’m nobody’s. I am mine, I’m me, and that’s who I always intend to be. My problem is attention deficiency.
  

So I’m gone, and I do apologise, most sincerely. I just hope you learnt something from me. You can’t take my life from me. You can set a bomb off in front of me, but I will run away from it. I do not stick around when things get scary. There’s only so much danger one can take. I gave my heart, on a plate.

“Einmal ist Keinmal” – that’s the lesson I have learnt. That and self-admiration. Following through with aspirations. You’ll see me again and I will be exactly where I always wanted to be.

-22nd November 2011

Are You Afraid Of Love?

Goodbyes don't come easy to me,
And we never even got to say that properly,
The love I felt for you simply had to end,
This I cannot comprehend.
There are many miles between us,
But absence makes the heart grow fonder,
Perhaps it's true,
I still feel what I always felt for you.
Maybe I laid myself bare and open,
Too quickly,
Maybe my mistake was giving you too much,
Too quickly.
All I know is I'd love for us to give it a go,
Yet I'm aware,
You don't see me as the one for you.
I admire you,
But it seems you've forgotten me.
I came in to your life broken,
And you had your arms wide open
But I didn't fix myself quickly enough,
And so I had to go,
Back home,
Out back in to the world alone.
Now I'm getting better,
But I won't forget you, ever.
I wish you still had your arms wide open,
It seems that now, you are more guarded.
Are you afraid of love?
Because I am too
But I don't want to give up the love
I feel for you.

-21st December 2011

There's No Robin Hood Any More.

The rich don't seem to care for the poor,
There's no robin hood any more.
They sit on their thrones,
They allowed them their loans.
They talk of profits,
Numbers, calculations,
The weather forecast is grey,
It's all grey today.
I wish the waste of this country would sail away,
But it seems it's here to stay.
The wind blew your cigarette away,
Now the council are going to make you pay.
There's no money,
The bills will have to be paid another day,
They soar,
But they never fly off in to the night,
The poor just have to fight and fight
To get through life.
I feel the wind blowing, rough on my cheeks,
I sighed, looked down at my feet
They have their maids,
We have nothing.
This country will never change,
The constant worry will never fade.

-21st December 2011

Lost Loves Filling Up My Head

I felt so much love for you,
But we moved so fast,
It simply wasn't meant to last.
The arguments told me we couldn't go on,
To me it was apparent that for each other we were wrong.
I'd gone back to him,
In my mind and my heart,
With him I was taken up
But he doesn't want me now,
I'm not sure he ever did.
The feelings I have for him won't ever go away,
There'll always be a part of me that longs for those days,
But I don't even know who he is any more.
I met another him,
Someone new, so refreshing,
Are new starts,
But I gave him too much of my heart,
He couldn't accept my love
And I don't understand why,
I do still long for him at night,
In his arms everything felt so right.
But I couldn't wait,
Too scared to be alone,
So again, I moved on,
And again, I gave too much of myself away,
That was a rushed, sudden, overwhelming love,
It was too much, in the end,
And I had to walk away then
For my heart's sake.
So now I'm alone,
And I'm trying to learn life without love
But I think it's too much.
At night, it's so hard to sleep,
I miss those times,
Watching comedy together,
Smoking in bed.
I miss it all,
I miss feeling like I belonged,
That's how I felt when I found your arms.
There are so many lost loves filling up my head,
It's you I keep coming back to now, though,
I feel so terrible, I fucked up so badly
And we never really got to give it a go,
I miss you so.

-20th December 2011