Happy National Poetry Day.

The nights are long without you,
Life is darker too,
And i never even really had you as mine,
But that's just fine,
Because the time i spent with you,
When we had that special something,
Was worth a million relationships.
You were there,
When i needed someone to care,
And though we don't speak much now,
I'll never forget how,
How you rescued me,
And made me better.

- 4th October 2012

I'll Get There...

I miss the past,
The good times pass by so fast.
One minute I'm just a teen,
First kisses, first everythings,
Now I'm 'grown up', have to find my own way in life.
Have to make decisions,
Get on with things.
I look back now and it's all just a blur,
It's all gone so quickly,
I've been in love a few times,
I've had my heart broken,
And I've done some heart breaking.
Love doesn't get any easier,
No matter how old you are.
It's the same confusing battle between heart and brain.
School days pass by so quickly,
And you never believed them,
When they said they're the best years of your life,
You just wish them away,
And now - today,
I wish I could have them back again.
And I've made a few mistakes over the last few years or so,
Made plans, changed plans,
Failed myself.
But I got back up.
I'll make more plans,
Probably change more plans and fail myself again and again.
But I'll get there,
Wherever I'm meant to be,
I'll end up there eventually.

- 13th September 2012

(2 poems in 1 day?! Whaaat? I don't know what's happened to me!!)

Miss You

I haven't been writing much this year, just haven't had the inspiration. So this is the first poem i've written in months and months, i'm not too sure about it, the rhyming is a little forced in places. But at least i've finally written something!


If only I'd not been a fool,
We could've been a team,
You haunt me like a ghoul,
In all of my deepest dreams.

Looking back is bittersweet,
Memories of some of the best ever nights,
The amazing people I got to meet,
I love that city with it's bright lights.

You taught me so many things,
I handed myself over to you completely,
I was never asking for a ring,
Just a chance to prove how good we could be.

Now it's been a while since I saw your face,
And everything has changed since then,
I'm in an entirely different place,
And matching up to you is too much to ask of men.

Honestly, I am getting by fine,
I only wish love was as simple as Cinderella and her shoe,
And that you could be mine,
Because, after all I've been through, I still really miss you.

-13th September 2012

Drifts Away.

Huddled together on a cold winter's night,
Out and about to see the sights,
Driving around in your car,
Together we could've got so far,
Sitting outside a cafe smoking cigarettes,
With you I had no regrets.
And I always long to go back,
To being somebody's,
Belonging in his arms,
I thought I had all the time in the world,
Now I know that every second counts,
Don't take love for granted,
Because it drifts away,
If you don't cherish every moment,
You could regret it,
If they choose not to stay.

-17th January 2012

In My Heart, Burrowed Deep.

I'll never forget you,
I loved you for so long
I found it so hard to move on,
You were always on my mind,
You were with me all the time,
In my heart,
Burrowed deep.
Your poem was a promise
That you couldn't keep.
You said I was your number one,
Said I always would be,
But you moved on
I'm coming to terms with the past,
I know now that love like ours can't last,
But I don't, and won't ever understand,
Why you won't come with me, and take my hand,
I don't know how you can't look back,
And wish that we still had that
That love that lit up even the darkest of nights.

-15th January 2012

A Cold Winter Night.

The smoke is billowing all around,
And I cannot hear a sound.
The frost is glistening on the pathways,
And the car windows glitter too,
It's a cold winter night,
I zip my jacket up tight,
Revel in the sights,
The beautiful stars in the sky,
Everything's going to be alright,
I believe that tonight.

-15th January 2012

The Rush Of A Day's First Cigarette.

That lightness,
The dizzy unbalanced sense,
The rush of a day's first cigarette.
I sit in the sun,
Close my eyes,
Revel in my blank mind,
It's all red,
Such a pretty bright light
Behind my eyes.
Open upm
Wash the coffee down,
Wake up,
Stand up,
Get on with life.

-11th January 2012

The Flowers

The flowers were so beautiful,
They brought a warmth to my heart,
It was so sweet that he'd got up early,
To go and fetch them for me.
I wonder if the darkness was just there,
Under the surface,
Bubbling away,
I wonder if it may have all worked out one day
But I walked away
From the man who bought me roses,
Walked to the light I saw,
Now the light comes no more.
Do I miss him, or just miss love?
I'm not sure,
But part of me wishes I could go back,
Try a bit more.
But that warmth is gone,
I onnly get warmth in a cup of coffee now,
I look down,
In to my empty mug,
Void, full of nothingness.
Is this really what life is?

-11th January 2012

I Can't Find The Light Switch.

Shaking hands,
Sick feeling in the stomach,
Cigarettes don't cure me any more,
It made the anxiety worse.
Buildings are staring,
The river is glaring
The world is huge,
I'm just a tiny pin prick
On the earth
It doesn't go away,
The pain and constant worry
Seem to be here to stay.
I want to fall in to someone's arms,
I need a lucky charm.
I'm trying to mend me,
But it's so hard to see
The good in the world,
It's all darkness,
I can't find the light switch.

-11th January 2012

The Darkness Of Depression.

It gets under your skin,
It can't be washed away
Oh no, it'll never be that easy for me.
It gets on to your clothes,
You put your life on hold,
Oh no, it's not going anywhere,
It's in the air,
It's everywhere,
The darkness of depression takes over again.

-11th January 2012

Eternity.

I still have my ring,
All wrapped up in tissue,
Safe in it's box.
It may not be a diamond,
But it really did represent eternity to me,
And I'm so sorry for lettting that go
I just couldn't let us be so,
Couldn't hide from the reality
Of our lives
I couldn't take the lies.
It had to be so black and white,
I wish we could've had more colour
In our lives,
Maybe sometime we can,
I don't know if you're still thinking of us,
But I know I am
Still thinking of that ring,
Those magic times,
Those times really lit up my life.

-1st January 2012

Reappeared.

We learn from our mistakes, and I learnt a lot from you. But not enough to walk away, because despite everything that was said and done, I would still not call the time we shared a mistake. It's not something that if I could go back and change, I'd choose to erase. Afterwards, I questionned if it was really love, and I told myself that whatever it was, it was over. It had to be, for me. I didn't want to be second best, and that is what I began to feel I was. It seemed like drugs were always going to be number one, and when I saw that I had to then reprioritize, had to put myself at the top - had to leave you to get on with it. I couldn't sit back and watch you live that life, couldn't watch you dying right in front of my eyes. It wasn't you anymore, you were someone else. Then you disappeared from my life completely, I got on with life, my heart drifted back in time as it always does, it laid with him again. I began to see that it needs to rest with me for a while. Then you reappeared, and the butterflies started fluttering again in my chest, I saw that your heart had drifted back in time too, I saw that you'd had her back and boy, you don't know what that made my heart do. Thinking of you with someone else makes me go crazy, and such a big part of me yearns to have you back in my life. I don't think you're a mistake, not now, I have no regrets. I'm scared. I'm scared of how much I want you around, I'm scared you'll knock all of my walls down. I'm scared that if anything ever came of us, you'd go back to drugs. I'm scared to make a mistake, scared to step a foot out of line. I don't ever want to regret having you in my life.

-1st January 2012

Rain, Rain, Go Away.

Rain, rain, go away,
Come back another day.
You make me miserable, you make me sad,
You make me forget the hope I've had.
Sometimes I think you're perfect,
Lovely to listen to,
Pattering on rooftops.
Today I despise you,
Today you're bad.
Sun, come out to play,
Just make the gloomy days go away.

It Has To Be.

That sick feeling rises higher,
You, I still admire.
It's love and hate,
Together.
But was it love,
Or was it too soon
Did we give it more than it was.
I still get that fluttery feeling in my belly,
When you talk to me,
I still wonder what we could've been.
But it's too late now,
It has to be.
Doesn't it.
It has to be.
You can see.

The Big Bottomless Pit.

I want to jump in to the pit, let them bury me in it. Fuck the rubble in my brain, let's feel something real again. The wind is howling, it roars at me. Lashes at my cheeks. I step inside, but it is not warm and cosy in here. My stomach feels empty, it tries to tell me to eat but I cannot be bothered with anything. I'm already in the pit, I'm already buried in it. The rubble's being heaped on top of me, and now I can no longer breathe. I'm dying, but it's a slow painful death. Just smile, and laugh. Try to pretend everything's okay, and maybe it will be one day. But I've lost my positive outlook on life lately. I'm admitting defeat, the depression has eaten me up and swallowed me in bits, I'm in pieces. On the floor, crying out for help. Help has come and gone, now you're on your own. In the big bottomless pit. Alone. Go out there and fight for everything, go out there and try to do something. But what do I do? There's nothing I can do. I cannot change the world, I cannot resolve anything that's wrong here. All I can do is hide away, bury my head in shame. I'm just a girl, I can't change the world. I can't change anything. This is the way I am. I'm a ball of darkness, it's buried deep. I cannot change the way I think.

I'm Getting Tired Of The Fight.

I'm so sick of waking,
Sick of the cold, the wind,
The waves of misery
That flood my veins.
I can't see happiness
Ahead of me,
It's all bleak.
I'm so weak.
Worn down,
Torn down,
My feelings of love
Are up in the air,
Everything looks so dim,
Out in the streets it's dark
I can only see specks of light,
I'm getting tired of the fight.

-28th December 2011

You Cannot Take It All Away From Me.

You cannot take it all away from me. Take what is yours, rightfully. Take what you bought, for me. But you can’t take reality away. Those few weeks, that was heaven for me. Then I slumped back down, crashed and burned. Like an angel, I was falling.

You wanted your gems more than you wanted us to be, I guess you could say the same for me. Yet the reality is that we both played our parts in throwing that love away. Now it is gone, I see more clearly. We could have worked out, eventually. It was always going to be a rollercoaster with you, not one of the little caterpillars either. No, this was the scariest most sickening ride I had ever seen. Brand new. We were the first to test it, and we should have read the warning signs.
 

Signposted everywhere in bold, bright red lettering, “Love hurts”, “It won’t work” – we just drove right past them. Fuck the law, we thought. It will catch up, eventually. You cannot run away from it forever. Somebody will be sitting, waiting. You’ll have fines to pay. Maybe your fine will be your life, one day. That would take both our lives. It got to the stage where I began to think I couldn’t live without you. I toughened up and walked away. Turned you in, that’s what I did. What I tried to do, but they turned you away, too.
 

So it’s up to you, now. Only you can choose. There are so many lanes, flyovers, bridges. So much still needs building. Start up from scratch, fuck it all off, push it away. Just make the decision - the decision to start over from today.
Go travel the globe, get a job, start a course, just enjoy being, learn to love learning. Life lessons – they are hard to get some times, but you know all the way through. They are there. You have to decide, whether to hear them, but too often, we ignore them.
 

I have opened my eyes, I’ve begun to listen, realized rules are there for a reason. I am certain I’ll still break some, my heart’s open. That is almost impossible to change, but I will try my hardest. Learning to love me more, that’s my mission. I can’t expect anybody else to understand if I don’t even get it myself, so I’m trying.
Hiding, I’m done with. This is me, I’m here for the taking. Yet you cannot have all of me, because I’m nobody’s. I am mine, I’m me, and that’s who I always intend to be. My problem is attention deficiency.
  

So I’m gone, and I do apologise, most sincerely. I just hope you learnt something from me. You can’t take my life from me. You can set a bomb off in front of me, but I will run away from it. I do not stick around when things get scary. There’s only so much danger one can take. I gave my heart, on a plate.

“Einmal ist Keinmal” – that’s the lesson I have learnt. That and self-admiration. Following through with aspirations. You’ll see me again and I will be exactly where I always wanted to be.

-22nd November 2011

Are You Afraid Of Love?

Goodbyes don't come easy to me,
And we never even got to say that properly,
The love I felt for you simply had to end,
This I cannot comprehend.
There are many miles between us,
But absence makes the heart grow fonder,
Perhaps it's true,
I still feel what I always felt for you.
Maybe I laid myself bare and open,
Too quickly,
Maybe my mistake was giving you too much,
Too quickly.
All I know is I'd love for us to give it a go,
Yet I'm aware,
You don't see me as the one for you.
I admire you,
But it seems you've forgotten me.
I came in to your life broken,
And you had your arms wide open
But I didn't fix myself quickly enough,
And so I had to go,
Back home,
Out back in to the world alone.
Now I'm getting better,
But I won't forget you, ever.
I wish you still had your arms wide open,
It seems that now, you are more guarded.
Are you afraid of love?
Because I am too
But I don't want to give up the love
I feel for you.

-21st December 2011

There's No Robin Hood Any More.

The rich don't seem to care for the poor,
There's no robin hood any more.
They sit on their thrones,
They allowed them their loans.
They talk of profits,
Numbers, calculations,
The weather forecast is grey,
It's all grey today.
I wish the waste of this country would sail away,
But it seems it's here to stay.
The wind blew your cigarette away,
Now the council are going to make you pay.
There's no money,
The bills will have to be paid another day,
They soar,
But they never fly off in to the night,
The poor just have to fight and fight
To get through life.
I feel the wind blowing, rough on my cheeks,
I sighed, looked down at my feet
They have their maids,
We have nothing.
This country will never change,
The constant worry will never fade.

-21st December 2011

Lost Loves Filling Up My Head

I felt so much love for you,
But we moved so fast,
It simply wasn't meant to last.
The arguments told me we couldn't go on,
To me it was apparent that for each other we were wrong.
I'd gone back to him,
In my mind and my heart,
With him I was taken up
But he doesn't want me now,
I'm not sure he ever did.
The feelings I have for him won't ever go away,
There'll always be a part of me that longs for those days,
But I don't even know who he is any more.
I met another him,
Someone new, so refreshing,
Are new starts,
But I gave him too much of my heart,
He couldn't accept my love
And I don't understand why,
I do still long for him at night,
In his arms everything felt so right.
But I couldn't wait,
Too scared to be alone,
So again, I moved on,
And again, I gave too much of myself away,
That was a rushed, sudden, overwhelming love,
It was too much, in the end,
And I had to walk away then
For my heart's sake.
So now I'm alone,
And I'm trying to learn life without love
But I think it's too much.
At night, it's so hard to sleep,
I miss those times,
Watching comedy together,
Smoking in bed.
I miss it all,
I miss feeling like I belonged,
That's how I felt when I found your arms.
There are so many lost loves filling up my head,
It's you I keep coming back to now, though,
I feel so terrible, I fucked up so badly
And we never really got to give it a go,
I miss you so.

-20th December 2011